Lady Tarkin

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Lady Thalassa Tarkin
Biographical information

Ages ago



Physical description




Hair color




Chronological and political information

Galactic Empire

"Oh, Huffy, dear, so good to see you. It's been so terribly long, and the house is so terribly lonely without you, simply ghastly, and the hired help is quite unsatisfactory. They never seem to perform at their best when you're away, probably because they miss you too. Oh, Huffy, your son Garoche is doing so wonderfully well at school. The teachers all say his father must be quite a tutor. Dear, oh dear. How long has it been now since you’ve seen him? Two, three years? Well, anyway, he's doing marvelously. Oh, Huffy, I was talking with Lothio and Luthia, you know, darling, Lothio is Terence and Tina's son? Well, anyway, they were saying how wonderful it would be if you would join us all for a dinner party at the lake on Phelarion this week. Oh, they'd all be simply pleased as punch to welcome you, and they do appreciate you sending your regards to their badminton tournament last month. Oh, Huffy, I bought the most simply exquisite wig at Tarmond's today. No, no, dear, not the one I'm wearing. This old thing, I just threw it on this morning, ha ha! No, this one's lovely. It looks exactly the same, only more silver. Oh, Huffy, dear, did you remember to sign those documents I sent you this morning? The family lawyer says we need them to build our gazebo on the waterfront property. My, how anything gets done at our house, I simply can't imagine. Oh, Huffy, darling, I... oh, heavens, where did that man wander off to?"
―Lady Tarkin

Lady Thalassa (Thalassa? Seriously?) Tarkin was the shrewish wife of Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, Duchess of Aquitaine, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rieekan, Heir to the Holy Rings of Bastion. She was rich, well connected, and utterly unbearable. She was a female Human (ugh, why does every article have to mention this crap...) and a member of the Motti family, and the Mottis were extremely relieved to get her over to the Tarkin household for Thanksgiving.

Lady Tarkin adored her husband Wilhuff, or "Huffy," and she annoyed him constantly, leaving dozens of messages on his voice mail every day, inviting him out to dreadful parties and soirees and dinner parties, and giving him errands. Moff Tarkin put up with her for the first year or so of their marriage, then just started ignoring her, instead taking up with a much younger mistress, Natasi Daala, who piggybacked off Tarkin... well, literally sometimes, but also in a figurative sense, piggybacked off him to begin her own successful career as an Imperial Admiral. Lady Tarkin never once caught on to the affair her husband was having, even when she stumbled on Daala's high-heeled boots lying next to Tarkin's bed. She merely assumed her husband was a secret transvestite and began buying exquisite blouses and gowns for him, gift-wrapped and sealed with a kiss.

When Lady Tarkin learned her husband had died on the Death Star, she went into a long mourning period. She erected a statue in his name and also began several charitable organizations for the emotional and financial support of struggling transvestites in the military. When she met Daala at Tarkin's funeral, Lady Tarkin whispered in her ear, "Good to see you, dear. I see you're wearing Huffy's high-heeled boots in his honor. Don't worry, dear. I'll be discrete about it, but I do appreciate the gesture." Upon hearing this, Daala stiffened, laughed nervously, and ran out of the funeral home.

Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Thalassa Tarkin.