John Wilkes Bith

From Darthipedia, the Star Wars Humor Wiki, currently editing over 582,970,995 articles
Jump to: navigation, search
John Wilkes Bith
Biographical information

Clak'dor VII

Physical description





1.5 m

Hair color


Eye color

Big and buggy

Chronological and political information

Rise of the Empire era


The South... of the Galaxy

"Chancellor Valorum, you and those who bathe in the moisture of your soiled and blood-soaked underwear can shove it, and, oh, by the way, I'm gonna kill you."
―John Wilkes Bith, in one of his blog rants

John Wilkes Bith was a famous jizz musician and the attempted assassin of Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum.

John Wilkes Bith displayed a talent for jizz at an early age. He would spend hours at a time locked in the bathroom, while his mother pounded on the door and shouted, "What are you doing in there?" Bith would shout back, "I'm jizz-wailing, mom!" His early recordings demonstrated his musical influences, including jizz greats such as Jelly Roll Fir'zan and Duke Eggle the Lesser of Geonosis.

Bith was a prominent supporter of artistic freedom, and also a supporter of slavery for some reason. His famed antipathy toward Chancellor Valorum began when he passed a bill extending voting rights to slaves in the Outer Rim, and gradually grew as Valorum's notoriously bad taste in music came to light, including revelations that there were polka, Celion Dion and Limp Bizkit CDs in his collection. John Wilkes Bith began posting vicious rants against Valorum on his jizz blog, prompting major controversy among his fan-base and HoloNet talk show hosts.

By 33 BBY, Bith had stepped up his attacks to include death threats directed at the Chancellor. When confronted by reporters on whether he intended to follow up on these threats, Bith replied, "Of course. I'm going to try and kill him tomorrow at 5:30 with this blaster I just purchased." Some law enforcement officers believed these statements "raised red flags" about an intention to assassinate Valorum, but investigations proceeded slowly.

On April 12, 32 BBY, while Valorum was attending the play Our Corellian Cousin at the Force Theater on Coruscant, John Wilkes Bith approached him, and with a battle cry of "Sick Scamper Scuttlebutt, man, if you gotta ask, you'll never know, and so on and so forth, I'm gonna kill ya," he fired three shots at point-blank range, missing him completely. He was then politely asked by ushers and security guards to leave the premises.

After his failed assassination attempt, Bith released a post-jizz revival album entitled Wasn't It Cool That One Time I Tried to Kill the Chancellor? Reception was chilly, critics panned his new musical direction, and he died in obscurity at the age of 67 in debtors' prison.