Jax Pavan 123
|Jax Pavan 123
|Chronological and political information|
- "Then did he climb high in the Holy Garbage Can of Antioch, saying, 'Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, 'First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then all within a twenty mile radius, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
- ―Brother Maynard quoting the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20
Jax Pavan, also known by his Christian name of Brother Maynard, was one of the 582,797,754 Human males named Jax Pavan on Coruscant. He was a monk living in the Holy Garbage Can of Antioch before and at the beginning of the Jax Pavan Holy War. He became obsessed with his job, to watch over the Can (which he found quite boring, especially because he had to remain celibate (DAMN!)), and wanted nothing more from life than to see the can fulfill its purpose, to PWN all things around it (including himself). As such, he pulled and destroyed the Holy Pin. Since then, every day, he would count in an attempt to activate the holy device but he would never reach the correct number. He would always stop at two, skip to four, or even skip to five. Never reaching three, the number that shalt be counted to activate the device. Every time a visitor would come to the Can, he would attempt to trick them into counting the correct sequence of numbers for him with a variety of means. He was never successful, as all visitors were well versed in their histories, until a group of rat warriors were sent to the Can by another Jax Pavan in an attempt to disable the superweapon. They were ill-witted and easily tricked into counting themselves, resulting in them counting to three as they had killed Scrat mere minutes before. The Can exploded, killing them, this Pavan, and all the kittens within a twenty mile radius. Maynard died happily knowing that he had finally fulfilled his dream of seeing the Can used. Unfortunately, he went to Hell for committing assisted suicide and several thousand attempts at suicide.