- Robert: "He said that Han Solo was cooler than Captain Kirk."
- William Shatner: "Kick the little fucker's ass."
- — William Shatner, stating that he is cooler than Han Solo (this is so not true, as Shatner is just a fat camera-hog that wears wigs and has a speech impediment)
Perhaps his most famous space-piratical adventure was that one time when he shot Greedo with his DL-44 Heavy Blaster Pistol. Unfortunately, Kyle Katarn then shot him. Sometime between these events, he had three really annoying kids. He hung out with a giant walking carpet whose name has been forgotten. Although he never knew it, KHAAAN!!! Solo was his father.
- "Please, sir, may I have some more?"
- ―Han Solo, asking Garris Shrike for more gruel
Okay, Han's a major character, so let's do this. Han Solo was an orphan, and nobody knows where or when he was born. He was captured by crazy evil space pirate Garris Shrike. Shrike had a sweet scam going. He kept a starship full of orphan children who he sent out to beg and pick pockets. Han grew up among the orphans, learning a life of crime, until Charles Dickens sued Garris Shrike for intellectual property infringement, and Han was once again on his own.
Han met his first girlfriend when he rescued her from a spice mine on Ylesia. Bria Tharen was cute in a kind of broken-spirited way. She'd been brainwashed by some hokey religion... definitely not Scientology!... and was voluntarily slaving away, her only joys coming from the religious ceremonies that artificially stimulated her pleasure centers. Han Solo said, "I got a better way to stimulate your pleasure centers, baby," and bang, Bria had a new scoundrel in her life. The two ran away, stealing all the Ylesian treasures in the process. They pawned them off on Coruscant (making sure that all the artifacts went into a museum!) and settled down to make a new life. And then Bria dumped Han and ran away, that double-crossing little bitch! After reading Bria's farewell letter, Han posted a long series of emo videos on the HoloNet, curled up on his bed and reading bad poetry.
Having reached rock bottom in his life, he figured "fuck it" and joined the Imperial Army to be a pilot, and he passed his entrance exam with flying colors, and was given a dishonorable discharge three minutes after graduating from the Academy.
During Han's three minutes of honorable service to the Empire, he encountered the goofball Wookiee Chewbacca on the Yellow Brick Road. "Rawr!" said Chewbacca. "Put 'em up, put 'em up! I'll fight cha with one hand tied behind mah back. I'll fight cha with mah eyes closed." The other Imperial troops captured Chewbacca and were about to skin him into a stylish, affordable Wookiee-skin coat, but Han refused and freed him instead. The two then fled into the forest and fell asleep in a field of poppies.
Han and Chewbacca spent the next few years smuggling stuff... gems, furs, booze, informants, pirated movies. Jabba the Hutt frequently had jobs for them. Their early work was a bunch of fetch quests, basically. Jabba became very fond of Han Solo, respecting his ability as a pilot... and also experiencing a strong and confusing sexual attraction to the pilot, which he then agonized about for hours to his therapist. Han was a great pilot, but his ship sucked. (He called his ship the Bria after his ex-girlfriend because he just... *sob* missed her so much and his universe was so empty without her.) Things got better when he won the Millennium Falcon from Lando Calrissian in a sabacc tournament in Cloud City. Lando was a little distracted because there were a lot of boobs in the room.
Han then left Bespin with his new, bad-ass ship and a long, hard glare from Lando. Relocating to the Corporate Sector, Han became a smuggler for Initech and Microsoft, smuggling paper, toner, coffee, water coolers, and paper clips from one planet to the other. Han gradually built a long list of ex-girlfriends, including a chirpy tech-girl named Jessa Vandangante; an older woman magician named Xaverri; a sweet soul sister named Salla Zend; another sweet soul sister named Katya M'Buele; Sy Snootles; Dani; Shaak Ti; Ally McBeal; Marion Ravenwood; Dr. Elsa Schneider; and Helen Kimble, who he didn't kill! During his Corporate Sector adventures, Bollux and Blue Max, two smart-alecky robots, joined them on a mission for Jessa's father. Han, Bollux and Blue Max would often watch bad movies on a green screen and make amusing comments, while Chewbacca would pilot the ship. After a back-to-back viewing of Manos: The Hands of Fate and Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Han vowed never to do that again and handed over the job to Michael J. Nelson and Tom Servo.
Han Solo tracked down the legendary lost treasure of Xim the Despot... which turned out to be ancient military equipment, very nice for a museum, not worth a lot. Han and Chewbacca had a brief run-in with zombies on the starship Purge. The pair visited Kashyyyk a few times, where Chewbacca tried as hard as possible not to visit his annoying family, and sometimes they managed to free a few Wookiee slaves. Bria Tharen reappeared a couple times in Han's life, but there was no ex-sex either time, what a rip-off.
Instead of taking cold showers, Han generally worked out his frustration by taking more smuggling jobs from Jabba the Hutt. Jabba, in the meantime, had developed a full-on obsession with Han, posting pictures of him all over his basement and writing elaborate Han/Jabba fanfic on the newsgroup alt.sex.stories.han.solo.squish.squish.squish. Han was now Jabba's best pilot and got all his most important jobs, which usually meant spice. Unfortunately, on one such important job, while making the Kessel run, Han was intercepted by Imperial Star Destroyers and was forced to dump his load in order to escape. The Imperials tried to chase him, but their ships were covered in nutmeg and cinnamon. When Han reported back to Jabba, he was furious. The loss of the spice, combined with his unrequited desire to get into Han's pants, drove him to hire a bounty hunter, Greedo, to take him out.
Desperate for money, Han Solo ended up on Tatooine, like every other important character in the galaxy. Han and Chewbacca walked into the cantina at Mos Eisley... and immediately experienced a sense of foreboding.
- "Wait a minute, Chewie. This place seem familiar to you? Aliens everywhere, that music... this is just like Star Wars, and we're in that fucked-up bar."
"Yeah, good idea. Let's get out of here before we're approached by some annoying whiny ki—"
"Fuck. Forget it, Chewie. We're stuck here."
- ―Han Solo and Chewbacca, encountering Luke Skywalker for the first time
Han encountered Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, who wanted passage to Alderaan and would pay a hefty sum, enough to get Han out of trouble. Han thought it over, but was reluctant to have a whiny brat on his ship, so he looked around the bar for somebody, anybody else with a better offer. None were available, so he made the deal. Greedo accosted him on the way out of the bar and started talking to him in Huttese for some reason, even though Greedo could speak Basic just fine, and threatened him. But Han was unfazed and shot him under the table... wait, no, Greedo made a really bad shot first, and Han kinda morphed over to the side a couple inches... wait, no, both Han and Greedo didn't have guns, they both had flashlights... and there were robots dancing on the table and an eopie farting on a Toydarian in the background. Eh, who knows. We all know Han shot first.
So Han ferried Luke and Obi-Wan to Alderaan and dropped them off and collected his money, thus ending his story peacefully, and... fuck, no, somebody want and destroyed their planet! While flying through the asteroid field that used to be Alderaan, they encountered a lone TIE fighter flying around and followed it to a small moon. They landed on the moon and had an underground adventure, meeting the glow-in-the-dark Mooninites, who... fuck, no, that's no moon, that's a fucking Death Star. This sort of thing was not in Han's contract. The Corporate Sector didn't have expensive world-destroying crap like this... well, maybe the iStar, but that's it. But it was too late. They were stuck in a tractor beam that the Empire had borrowed from Star Trek, and they were pulled inside.
While attempting to escape, they discovered Princess Leia was held prisoner there. Although Han had gone about two months without a bitter destructive relationship, he was in no mood to start another one just yet. With any luck, he figured he'd have enough credits left over after paying Jabba the Hutt to have a five-way with some Twi'lek prostitutes in a pool of Jell-O. But then he noticed that Princess Leia was actually Carrie Fisher, and he smelled Hollywood money. He could buy a starship, a mansion, and a yacht with one month of her cocaine budget. So Luke and Han stole some stormtrooper outfits and broke her out of jail... stopping briefly in the garbage chute so that Luke could be raped by a dianoga. Obi-Wan had wandered off somewhere, and Han didn't really care. Wait, no, he was shutting off the tractor beam. Well, cool. Now they could get out of here and go to Aldera—wait, no. Where were they going?
Leia said they should take her to Yavin 4. There was a Rebel base there. Oh. Okay. Do the Rebels have money? Turns out, yes, they do, at least enough to pay off Han Solo. And that was it. No more adventures! "And get that annoying 3PO droid out of my ship!" But while Han was busy building Jenga towers out of his money, Luke and Leia kept giving him puppy-dog eyes, like "Hey, you're not leaving, are ya?" The Rebels wanted him to sign up and be a pilot so that they could... blow up the Death Star.
- "You're gonna blow up the Death Star."
"With these dinky ships."
"Some of these are Y-wings, y'know."
"We can do it."
"Look... hello! McFly! You're all gonna die."
- ―Han and Luke
So Han Solo abandoned the doomed Rebels and got the hell out of Dodge... then decided to hang around for a while and see how the battle went. The Y-wings all got blown up in about 30 seconds, but some of the X-wings got pretty close. Han and Chewbacca figured it would be cool to watch a moon-sized space station explode and flew the Millennium Falcon to help out. Luke was almost done with his trench run, but by this point Darth Vader was tailing him in his personal TIE Advanced. Han crept up behind Vader and his TIE escort, sneak, sneak, sneak and backstabbed for quadruple damage. Vader screamed, "Wat?!" Han screamed, "YAHOO! U GOT PWNED BY HAN SOLO!"
Luke successfully blew up the Death Star, which had a big ring around it... and Greedo shot it first. Everybody celebrated, including Wedge Antilles, who had fled the battle like a coward. Luke and Han lined up for their medals while Rebel Nazis saluted them. Princess Leia herself awarded the honors to the two new heroes, and Han gave her a hopeful "hey, baby, you wanna?" wink. No dice. Disappointed at the lack of princess sex, Han immediately had a five-way with some Twi'lek prostitutes in a pool of Jell-O.
After the Battle of Yavin, various crap happened. Like the time Han and Chewbacca visited Kashyyyk for Life Day. Fucking Life Day. The less said about this, the better. There was also the weird Seven Samurai adventure on Aduba-3. Oh, did I mention that all the money Han got from the Rebels on Yavin 4 was stolen by some stupid space pirate named Crimson Jack? Then there was his fight with IG-88 on Ord Mantell. There were his completely canon-destroying adventures with Renegade Squadron. About a million run-ins with Boba Fett in which they kept shooting at each other, but neither one died.
There was also the time Han went into the Witness Protection Program to elude Jabba the Hutt, and he was given a sex change by a skilled plastic surgeon, becoming a cute scoundrel girl. This didn't work out, however, as Han spent most of his spare time playing with his breasts, and tracking down his old girlfriends in hopes they'd become lesbians in the meantime. All this time he wasn't actually making any money, so Chewbacca forced him to change back.
Empire gets strike-backy, Han gets froze
- "To Hoth?"
"To Hoth! Oh, we're off to see the wizard..."
- ―Han and Luke decide to go to Hoth
Han Solo frequently visited the Rebel Alliance after becoming... you know, a hero of the Rebel Alliance. He still disappeared for long stretches of time, so he wasn't a very reliable hero, but the Rebels were basically his new gravy train now that Jabba the Hutt wasn't speaking to him anymore. After blowing up the Death Star, Leia and her Alliance were being hunted by everybody in the galaxy, bounty hunters, the Empire, Darth Dateline NBC... everybody. They'd holed up on Hoth, a freezing planet somewhere in Alaska. No one could possibly find Hoth, what with it being so remote and isolated and... Viper probe droids found them. Nice hiding place, guys. You were outsmarted by droids. The probe droid was even sassy enough to take a few potshots at Han and Chewbacca before it blew up.
Now that the Empire had found them, preparations for evacuation began. Meanwhile, while on tauntaun patrol to look at the pretty snow, Luke had gotten distracted by a shiny object and hadn't come back and nearly froze to death. Plus he'd been raped by a wampa. (Wow, what will he be raped by next?) Han rolled his eyes, got on a tauntaun and saved him. Again. This time by slicing open his tauntaun and pushing Luke inside. Luke spent a lot of time penetrating or being penetrated by strange creatures. Han dragged both carcasses back to camp at Echo Base, got Luke healed up with bacta, and started putting the moves on Princess Leia again, because it'd been at least three weeks since his last five-way with Twi'lek prostitutes, but Leia responded by kissing Luke full on the mouth, which left Han sick and speechless for quite a while. Then they had a long argument in the hall.
- "I don't get it. Why won't you go to bed with me? Every other woman in the galaxy will."
"I'd sooner go to bed with a Wookiee."
"I can arrange that. So you think I'm ugly, smelly, what?"
"You're a scruffy looking nerf herder! I don't want no scrubs!"
"Who's scruffy lookin'? You want me bad, you just won't admit it."
"You're imagining things, laser brain."
"Come on, admit it. That's why you just French-kissed your brother in there. It's to make me jealous!"
"For your information, I not only French-kissed my brother, I rode him reverse cowgirl while being double penetrated by C-3PO."
"A likely story. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight."
"I wouldn't go to bed with you if your body was dipped in cocaine!"
"Tomorrow morning you're gonna be wearing my underwear, baby."
"Now, get this, you double-crossing chimpanzee. I'll never have sex with you, and that starship of yours better be leaving in twenty minutes, and if I ever lay my two eyes on you again, I'm gonna walk right up to you and hammer on that monkey skull of yours till it rings like a Chinese gong!"
- ―Han and Leia, one of their interminable arguments
And so on and so forth. But Leia wasted so much time arguing with Han that all the other evacuation ships left without them, so they had no choice but to escape in the Millennium Falcon... with R2-D2 and C-3PO tagging along. "Oh, not that goddamn droid again," mumbled Han. They escaped into the Hoth asteroid field and bickered some more. Darth Vader tried pursuing in his Star Destroyer, but eventually lost them. Han finally managed to kiss Leia while they were hiding in the belly of a space slug, but he couldn't help thinking he was getting some nasty germs left over from Luke.
Out of ideas and not knowing how to meet up with the rest of the Rebels, Han and Leia decided to seek sanctuary on Bespin with Lando Calrissian. Lando gave them a nice hotel room, some casino chips, a nice meal... then got even with Han by pissing in his beer. Then he got extra-even with Han by having sex with Leia and bragging about it online. Then he got extra-extra-even with Han by turning him over to Darth Vader, who tortured him with electricity and threw him in jail. "That'll teach you to take my ship!" shouted Lando. "But, okay, now that's out of my system, we'll let bygones be bygones. I'll help you escape, promise. Pinky swear." Unfortunately, Lando couldn't help Han, and he got frozen in carbonite by Darth Vader and delivered to Boba Fett. But Lando bravely offered to watch over Leia in the meantime, while flying Han's ship and wearing Han's shirt.
Han spent the next year not doing much because he was frozen in carbonite. It was very cold. He had a terrible itch on his nose. He was kept in a back room in Jabba the Hutt's Palace, hanging on the wall. On the good side, at least he was well hung.
Third movie, actor wants out
Han was thawed out by Princess Leia when she, Luke, and Lando infiltrated Jabba's Palace. Han was kinda sick of Star Wars at this point and wanted his character to die heroically, but George Lucas refused, and so Han spent the whole movie mugging at the camera and mumbling to himself. Luke Skywalker (after being raped by a rancor) concocted a bizarre plan involving almost getting thrown into the Sarlacc, then hopping and grabbing his lightsaber and doing a bunch of improbable things. This plan worked, but only because Jabba's henchmen were idiots. During the melee, Han accidentally chopped off Boba Fett's jetpack, sending him screaming into the Sarlacc. He totally PWNed Boba Fett without even trying.
Finally free of the carbonite, Han Solo scratched the awful itch on his nose, had a quick five-way with Twi'lek prostitutes, and met up with the rest of the Rebels for the final assault on the new Death Star. Han wasn't really involved much... Luke did all the cool stuff on the Death Star while Han and Leia wandered around Endor trying to blow up a shield generator, while fighting off stormtroopers alongside a bunch of teddy bears. The only interesting thing that happened was Han groping Leia outside a bunker. Shields went down, Death Star blew up, and everybody celebrated to an annoying Ewok song.
After the Rebel Alliance had well and truly PWNed the Galactic Empire forever, Han Solo married Princess Leia. Yay! They stashed C-3PO in the closet so he wouldn't ruin things. Their courtship had been weird, with the Warlord Zsinj always interfering and twirling his mustache, so they were taking no chances. After the wedding ceremony, Lando came in and attacked Han with a folding chair, but Han and Leia double-teamed him, pinned him for the one-two-three, and won the heavyweight title.
Han and Leia had some silly adventures with a kid named Ken. They had frequent relations, resulting in, first of all, the JEDI TWINS, Jacen Solo and Jaina Solo. Even before they were born, these kids were important. The crazy Jedi clone Joruus C'baoth kept hunting them because he could sense them from the womb, ooh, magic. Han tried blasting the dude, but got a blast of Force lightning for his trouble. Han didn't do much to stop Grand Admiral Thrawn, but he did manage to find some new ships for the New Republic's fleet and made some amusing wisecracks.
Then after more relations, Leia got pregnant again, this time with Anakin Solo, and again, some crazy evil Force-user decided to kidnap the baby. This time it was Palpatine, who had been resurrected in a clone body. Han killed the Palpatine clone by blasting him. There. Take that.
Let's see, what else? Han found the Darksaber; re-encountered his crazy ex-girlfriend Xaverri, who was worshiping some bizarre extra-dimensional entity called Waru; survived dozens of assassination attempts, some by Boba Fett, who'd gotten out of the Sarlacc somehow; fought his crazy twin cousin Thrackan Sal-Solo; and tagged along while other major characters did all the interesting stuff.
Yuuzhan Vong War
- "They killed Chewie, man! Everybody I care about is dead. Except my wife and three children." [ZAP!] "Two children. Goddamn it, man, I used to be somebody! I made the Kessel run in twelve fucking parsecs!"
- ―Han Solo, drunk and bitter
Han Solo spent the entire Yuuzhan Vong War frozen in carbonite. No, not really, but he might as well have. He did nothing. He aided in the evacuation of Sernpidal when they were attacked by the Yuuzhan Vong, but the Vong reacted by crushing Sernpidal with its own moon, and in the process, THEY KILLED CHEWIE! YOU BASTARDS!
Han spent the rest of the war hanging around cantinas, drunk off his ass, swapping war stories with his new gypsy friend Droma. He was rushed to the hospital several times for alcohol poisoning. He joined Alcoholics Anonymous, went in and out of rehab, got into a boating accident, went into rehab again, got kicked out of rehab for having a five-way with some Twi'lek outpatients, got into a speeder accident, and finally collapsed in a pile of his own vomit somewhere on Coruscant. Other major characters won the war without him.
Finally, Han Solo patched up his life, got clean and sober, and went about the business of being an 80-year-old hero of the galaxy. He started getting suspicious of the new Galactic Alliance government and made a few phone calls... and suddenly realized they were going to invade Corellia, his homeworld, and start a ridiculously stupid plotline involving his son turning into a Sith Lord! He flew to Corellia in a desperate attempt to stop the stupid novel series from happening, but his efforts were in vain. The Legacy of the Force series happened anyway. Fuck. Mara Jade, Gilad Pellaeon, and Jacen Solo all ended up dying.
Later there was another series of novels, but by this point nobody was even pretending Han Solo was part of the story anymore. He basically sat around and drank caf. Desperate for relevance and acceptance, Han Solo finally hit rock bottom when he agreed to star in Firewall. And, uh, I don't know, I guess that's when Kyle Katarn shot him. Sure, why not?
But let's not remember Han Solo as the bitter old man raving to his gypsy friend about the time he banged Calista Flockhart. Let's remember him as the vibrant, quick-witted scoundrel who every kid wanted to be in the 80s.
"Darth Han" was an identity briefly adopted by Solo when he took Luke Skywalker's lightsaber on Hoth and fulfilled his dream of going on a tauntaun killing spree. Han found his friend taking a snooze in the snow, yet conveniently failed to notice he was injured and getting his ass frozen off. Darth Han slaughtered hundreds of innocent tauntauns and disemboweled them for his own amusement. He found their lack of abdominal muscles disturbing. Unfortunately for Darth Han, the tauntauns were protected by Imperial law. Darth Vader launched a full scale assault on Hoth and pursued Han on a high speed chase to collect the five million credit fine for unlawful tauntaun killing.
Notes and references
- NO HE DID NOT.
- Yes, he did. Quiet, you.