Wilhuff Tarkin

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Whilluf Tarkin
Biographical information



A long long long long time ago


Ask Luke

Physical description





1.8 meters

Hair color


Eye color

Never eyeball your superior officers.



Chronological and political information

Galactic Empire

"This bickering is pointless!"
"No, it isn't!"
"Yes, it is!
―Grand Moff Tarkin, bickering with other Moffs

One of the highest ranking members of the Galactic Empire, Grand Moff Tarkin AKA Slick Willy AKA Mother's little girl, the latter nickname given to him due to his childhood love of female clothing, was strongly against the enrollment of aliens and non-British in the Imperial Academy. Thanks to his effort and the availability of British actors, the Empire was able to make sure its entire army had the same accent (except for Conan Antonio Motti, who blackmailed his way around the rule). He was the Proud holder of Vader's leash (think BDSM) and had relations with Admiral Natasi Daala at some point during his career, mostly to get away from his nagging wife, Lady Tarkin. Daala eventually left him for another man (or just other men, we don't know) because he had several eating disorders and stole her lingerie.

The fellow doesn't seem to change with time.

His Life

Born way too long ago for anyone to remember, Tarkin's Mother, (a grade AAAAAAAA lunatic and two time Insane Asylum Inmate to Darth Psycho ) convinced that he was a female forced him to use the clothes of one, and by the time a gene test revealed that he did indeed have a Y chromosome, it was almost too late. Luckily after twenty five years of therapy Tarkin finally snapped the habit, his big break came when the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine began accepting Bribes Campaign Donations. Tarkin, fresh off of a law suit against his mother and 500 Bazillion worth of compensation richer, donated it all to the fund and Palpatine fresh out of cool names (he reserved all those for his apprentices) picked the most offensive word from the Buttese dictionary and gave Tarkin the title.

Tarkin died when the Death Star was blown up by the Rebels, he did destroy one planet before this happened... the planet he destroyed was Alderaan, the home of many weird people.

I'm in ur bedr00m trying on ur stockings!

Behind the scenes

Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Wilhuff Tarkin.

Moff comes from a Huttese term "muff" meaning a pussy, thus, Grand Moff=Great pussy (right you are, pun intended). This explains why Stormtroopers were often heard snickering behind his back. When Tarkin learned about the actual meaning of the title, he went all emo about it, resuming his old habits as shown on the picture.

These bastards make me cry!