Gonk, alias: Jerome Hildebrant Knickerbocker, is the titular character of The Gonk Crusades and leader of the Church of G*nk. Gonk's ultimate goal, the eradication of dumbasses from the world, was his reason for manifesting himself physically among his followers.
After spearheading the defeat and apprehension of Sewergeeky, Gonk encountered Lord Oblivion, a magic-using villain fixated on muffins. This set in motion a disastrous chain of events in an alternate timeline, in which Gonk was arrested, languished in a prison cell for eight years, and finally faced execution. However, this fate was averted by Robo-Pope, one of Gonk's circle of trusted followers.
The coming of Gonk
Gonk first came to the physical realm during a meeting of the Church of G*nk in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Using a celestial portal, Gonk brought Robo-Pope, Supergeeky, Acky, and Jedimca to the Church of G*nk's global tactical command center. Here, Gonk unveiled his plan to eradicate dumbasses, a goal he intended to achieve with the assistance of Pinky (a follower from another regional branch of the Church) and M.A.D.C.L.A.W., a cybernetic Wookiee assassin.
Campaign against Sewergeeky
Gonk's first target—Sewergeeky, the evil doppelganger of Supergeeky—detected a scan of his stronghold and concluded (half-correctly) that Supergeeky was responsible.
Gonk sent Supergeeky, Jedimca, Acky, and Madclaw to find and defeat Sewergeeky, all the while maintaining radio contact from the command center. During this time, Gonk was paid a visit by Steven Spielberg, with whom he enjoyed a card game.
After Gonk's team defeated Sewergeeky, with the assistance of the mysterious superhero Bate-Man, Gonk ordered the foul-smelling villain imprisoned at the command center and congratulated his disciples.
The rise of Lord Oblivion
After confronting Gonk disciple Jedimca at Greyman's cave in Ontario, the dark sorcerer Lord Oblivion infiltrated the command center's security while Gonk, Supergeeky, Robo-Pope and Pinky were enjoying pizza night. Though Jedimca was absent at the time, Oblivion waited until he arrived, then issued a challenge to Jedimca's baking ability—only to discover that his own muffins had been eaten while he was waiting. Upon hearing this, Madclaw went on a rampage that half-destroyed the command center; Oblivion, meanwhile, departed to investigate his castle, which (according to satellite scans) had been somehow destroyed. Following Oblivion's departure, Gonk aided his disciples in cleaning up the wreckage, issuing a new commandment about mentioning food in Madclaw's presence.
Following the reconnection of their cable television, Gonk and his followers were astonished to discover that the President of the United States had been kidnapped, and the police sketch of the culprit closely resembled Gonk. Gonk assured his followers (including an increasingly doubt-filled Jedimca) that he'd had nothing to do with the kidnapping, and ordered the commencement of the long-delayed Church of G*nk bake sale.
While the bake sale was underway, a threatening and mysterious Gonk-like figure appeared, disrupting the command center's communications and causing Gonk to suspect an attack by the federal government. The "Anti-Gonk" used strange powers to incapacitate Supergeeky, Jedimca, and Acky, but Gonk teleported himself to the scene, which caused the mysterious enemy to flee moments before an FBI agent arrived to arrest Gonk for the President's kidnapping. Gonk allowed himself to be taken into custody, over Supergeeky's protestations.
Gonk was found guilty and sentenced to destruction after spending eight years in prison, during which time Supergeeky, Jedimca, and Acky attempted to acquit Gonk by appealing to public opinion on various talk shows, while Robo-Pope and Pinky built a time machine to prevent Anti-Gonk from carrying out the kidnapping that had led to Gonk's sentencing.
Shortly after Madclaw's rampage, the Robo-Pope from the future arrived at the command center, accompanied by the grateful President, who ordered pizza for everyone present. The future Robo-Pope explained what had taken place and deactivated the time-clone of himself native to the prime timeline. Gonk then declared his intention to find the origin of Anti-Gonk, who had disappeared during his confrontation with Robo-Pope in the White House.
Using his divine powers, Gonk tracked Anti-Gonk's magical residue to the ruins of Lord Oblivion's castle. Finding no other clues, Gonk and his followers returned home shortly before Lord Oblivion was resurrected by Darth Darth Binks.
War with IGNORAMUS
The next major campaign in Gonk's war against dumbasses began with the formation of the International Gonk-Negating Organization, Armed Mightily, of the United States (IGNORAMUS). Gonk briefed his followers about the threat, but was forced to scold Madclaw for bringing his monkey to the briefing. Gonk ordered Supergeeky and Madclaw to travel to the IGNORAMUS conference in Pueblo, Colorado and assassinate Scott Stapp, chairman of IGNORAMUS. Gonk then sent Jedimca and Acky to Vancouver to keep an eye on Colin Farrell, whose close physical resemblance to Scott Stapp may have inspired a swapping of identities. When Supergeeky and Madclaw later returned, Gonk learned that they had actually killed Colin Farrell, Scott Stapp's look-alike.
Personality and traits
Gonk was merciful toward his followers and vengeful toward "dumbasses," the target of his crusades. He employed archaic, ecclesiastical language, but rarely and inconsistently. When faced with unexpected challenges, such as being accused of kidnapping the President, Gonk displayed determination and patience. However, certain displays of dumbassery, such as Christian nu-metal, elicited Gonk's unforgiving approbation.
Powers and abilities
As a deity, Gonk had powers beyond the estimation of mortals. The powers he demonstrated included teleportation (accompanied by blinding celestial light), creating celestial portals through which mortals could pass between distant destinations, and sensing magical residue. Gonk was also somehow able to play cards, despite possessing no arms.
Nobody mention food around Madclaw unless you have some to give him.
Behind the scenes
Gonk is a fictionalized version of the founder of Darthipedia and creator of The Gonk Crusades. The Gonk LEGO minifig is custom-built; though an actual LEGO Gonk model exists, User:Gonk doesn't own one.
Notes and references
- The Gonk Crusades/32
- The Gonk Crusades #1: Pilot
- The Gonk Crusades #2: The Path of Gonk
- The Gonk Crusades #3: Beyond the Gonk Portal
- The Gonk Crusades #5: The Enemies of Gonk
- The Gonk Crusades #4: Gonk's Weapon
- The Gonk Crusades #7: The Battle Plan
- The Gonk Crusades #8: Nemesis of the Geek
- The Gonk Crusades #14: Into the Stinky Darkness
- The Gonk Crusades #17: There Can Be Only One Geek
- The Gonk Crusades #19: Endgame
- The Gonk Crusades #20: A Bitter Denouement
- The Gonk Crusades #26: Muffins of Oblivion
- The Gonk Crusades #27: Oblivion Unleashed
- The Gonk Crusades #29: Dawn of the Prime Evil
- The Gonk Crusades #30: Betrayal
- The Gonk Crusades #31: The Bake Sale...of DOOM
- The Gonk Crusades #32: Of Muffins and Carnage
- The Gonk Crusades #33: Gonk in Chains
- The Gonk Crusades #34: What the Hell Just Happened?
- The Gonk Crusades #39: Friends in High Places
- The Gonk Crusades #38: From the Jaws of Defeat
- The Gonk Crusades #40: Resurrection
- The Gonk Crusades #41: Oblivion Begin Again
- The Gonk Crusades #42: Villain's Creed
- The Gonk Crusades #45: Vanquished in Vancouver