The Galactic Religion, alternatively known as Imperial Religion or The Grand Society of Assholes(although this name is officially applied only to the central administrative body) was a Pan-Galactic religion followed by most members of the Galaxy. Formed in 19BBY by Darth Doctrination on the heels of Palpy's rise to power, its main objective was coercing the populace of the Galaxy into mass-Sith worship and enhancing the strangle-hold of the Galactic Empire. Although the Galactic Empire was soon to fall to the hands of a detestable little maggot Pulpitine and his Galactic religion managed to survive and maintain its spiritual grip on the Galactic consciousness. Form more about its History and Formation, see Pulpitine.
Theology and Religious Beliefs
- "..and now, concerning God-Hey wait! Isn't that Yoda doing a stupid pet trick??"
- ―A typical end to a Pulpitine speech
Formed in 19BBY, soon after the Jedi purge and the assassination of Big Bird, the Galactic Religion borrowed heavily from the practices of these two early cults. Many rituals and daily routines (such as abstinence and frugality with regards to certain worldly pleasures) follow directly from the doctrine described by these religions. In addition, Pulpitine added newer, bolder ideas, such as complete and utter submission to the Sith, and the concept of Freedom through Planet Destruction.
In spite of having such documented Doctrine and a extremely well organized institutional hierarchy (see Doctrine and Organization) the Galactic Religion was never very clear on exactly what sort of god/gods they believed in, or indeed, whether they believed in anything at all. What they were clear on, however, was that any god/gods worshipped by other religions, were evil, heretic and their worshippers should be met with horrible death, as soon as possible. Jediism was a favorite target for persecution, as were any remnant Big Bird followers.
For a list of Patron Sith, see List of Patron Sith
For a list of Galactic Religions banned under the Galactic Religion see List of Galactic Religions Banned under the Galactic Religion
The Galactic Religion has a set of well documented rules and practices, designed to aid followers in their pursuit of Sith-Worship and Planet Destruction. Some of the main lines of doctrine are as follows:
- The Sith love you.
- The Sith will take care of you.
- The Sith know what's best for you.
- Listen to the Sith at all times, and don't forget to grovel for their mercy.
- Don't read. Books are bad. Besides, you might learn something.
- Don't play loud music, lest we find your lack of silence disturbing.
- Don't have sex. We don't want too many more of you.
- Kill thy neighbor if he be Jedi. That goes double for Ewoks and Gungans.
- Die, quickly and with much pain, for our entertainment.
- Don't try to learn to use the Force or we will destroy your planet. Its not for losers like you.
The Galactic Religion was very well organized, with a strong and well defined hierarchy of roles. These roles are mentioned below:
The Grand Society of Assholes was the Central Administrative unit of the Imperial Religion, with Pulpitine as its head and a number of other sufficiently nasty dudes to help him. Their job was to think of ideas to make Galactic lives more miserable than they were and devise insidious schemes to implement these ideas.
The InterStellar Conglomerate of Unholy NerdTroopers (ICUN)
The ICUNs were a large body of Nerdtroopers that served Pulpitine charged with the duty of maintaining the Galactic Religions infrastructure. Skilled programmers, they were involved with everything from the Insidious Messages in Children's Holovision Programming, to more over brainwashing and reprogramming techniques for adults. They ran most of Pulpitine's campaigns, handled public events like executions and purges and organized Pulpitine's Sunday Apprenticeship programs. In their spare time they liked to write code and contribute to online collaborative writing projects.
The ICUN induction procedure was long and involved lengthy internship periods wearing orange robes at spaceports and chanting.
The ICUN head office was on Coruscant but their non-core processes were outsourced to less-developed planets all throughout the Galaxy, where junior ICUN were trained to supply those seeking enlightenment with details on how to achieve a heightened state of consciousness. One special division was trained to talk like Darth Vader so they could periodically call his underlings and instill the fear of death in them while the V-Dog rested his weary ole helmet.
Lovetroopers were Pulpitines shock-troops. When moderate methods of conversion, such as indoctrination, brainwashing, threats, bribes, and anything else not-quite so dire failed, the Lovetroopers were called in.
non-Sith scum citizens who had been taken by force lovingly volunteered by their families at a young age. They were usually the most impressionable best and the brightest children selected from Pulpitine's Intergalactic Sunday Apprenticeship programs.
singled out selected, the young troopers-to-be were taken to the sandy deserts of Tatooine where they underwent grueling torture rigorous training in one of the many concentration camps training facilities that dotted the planets inhuman landscape. In just a few years they would transform from innocent young children into insane, homicidal fanaticsstoic and disciplined Lovetroopers.
- "Don't be alarmed, we mean you no harm. We will fill your heart with love-we just need to physically remove it first..."
- ―Lovetroopers' hymn, calming their latest
A Lovetrooper's mission objective was to spread Pulpitine's message of peace and love throughout the galaxy by any means necessary. This usually meant carnage and bloodshed. Lovetroopers were particularly ferocious and thus often clashed with the insane Pop-Ups. In fact, if it were not for such a bloody battle distracting them at the time, they may have managed to show the Rebel scum the true meaning of love.
The Lovetroopers operated from a sealed white pyramidal enclosure on Coruscant known as the Ministry of Love. People who went in rarely left without an enormous beard or a few gaping gunshot wounds.
Pulpitine occasionally lent out his Lovetroopers to any other Sith interested in bringing cheer to the Galaxy.