- "Come here, little teddy bear. Come on."
"Manna manna? E s'eesht!!"
"Aahhh! Please don't eat me!"
- ―Luke Skywalker, about to be eaten by an Ewok
Ewoks looked like cute little bears but were in fact vicious little creatures capable of devouring entire stormtrooper battalions. On the other hand, when they were not attempting to rip your guts out, they behaved like annoying little muppets that made you wish the stormtroopers won. Their homeworld, Endor, was relatively unknown to the rest of the galaxy until the Battle of Endor because the Ewoks ate everyone who discovered the planet. They had many enemies on their home planet, for some reason most creatures on Endor didn't like getting roasted alive and eaten by the Ewoks. But they also had several allies, like the Teek for example and the... Hmmm... Their only ally on the planet were the Teek.
Not much is known about the Ewoks early history, all that is known about their early history is that somewhere in their evolution they started roasting and eating every creature they could find. During the early years of Ewok history, a part of Endor was ruled by the vicious and evil Darth Ewok. Who invented the Ewok juice and wiped out an entire Ewok tribe because of his addiction to the supposedly delicious beverage.
First discovery of Endor
The earliest discovery of Endor was at an unknown date, what we do know is that the first "people" to discover the planet were a group of Hutts accompanied by some Rodians, Humans and a few half naked legless slave girls. The second they landed, on what they thought was a paradise for criminals, the Ewoks jumped out of the trees, roasted them alive and ate them. According to drawings found in some of Endor's caves, the Humans and half naked legless slave girls tasted pretty good, the Rodians tasted terrible, and half of the Ewoks who ate Hutts vomited them out and died the next day. The other half was, according to the drawings, sick for weeks. After this event the Ewoks decided they shouldn't just eat everything that fell out of the sky. The Ewoks started pretending they were cute little bears that didn't eat innocent travelers that visited the planet, they also wanted to make sure they didn't all die because they ate some weird guy with some weird disease, so they decided that anything that fell out of the sky would be tasted by three Ewoks before the rest could try the new food.
- Unsuspecting traveler: "What's this?... a teddy bear?"
- Ewok: "Manna manna? E s'eesht!!"
- Unsuspecting traveler: "What the... ? HELP! Aahhhh... <censored>"
- — An unsuspecting traveler meets an Ewok[[|[src]]]
During many years after the first discovery of Endor many more people discovered the planet and thought to be the first travelers to ever visit the planet. They were all welcomed by groups of cute little bears and they thought they had found a paradise. But things soon changed when the Ewoks showed their true intentions, they captured their visitors but didn't eat them. After three Ewoks had tasted the new food, and lived for at least three days after eating the food, the Ewoks prepared a feast and once the preparations were complete they roasted their visitors alive and ate them. If, for some reason, one of the three Ewoks who tasted the new food died, the visitors were still roasted alive. But they weren't eaten by the Ewoks, the Ewoks would give the roasted deadly visitors to any enemy they could not overpower and eat, these persons would then eat the food and die.
When the Empire discovered the planet, the Ewoks did what they always did when someone found them, they pretended they were cute little bears. The Empire was fooled by the clever Ewoks and started building a Death Star above Endor, and they sent many, many stormtroopers to the planet. The Ewoks were waiting for the right moment to start eating people when the Rebel Alliance (and Luke) found Endor. When Luke met an Ewok, he was fooled by the "cute little bear act" and tried to cuddle with the creature. Unfortunately for him, he did not yet know that Ewoks hated to cuddle, he soon found out the hard way when the Ewok tried to eat him. Eventually the Ewoks and Rebels became friends because the Ewoks thought Leia was HOT and figured they could get friendly with her by being friends with her friends.
When the Rebels found the Death Star's shield generator and attacked it, the thing was (for some weird reason) located on Endor instead of on the Death Star, the Ewoks realized that their new friends were no match for their new food source. So, they decided to help out and make one big dinner party out of it. The Ewok forces were led by Simon the Killer Ewok, who was known for his brilliant hit and run tactics. The poor unsuspecting stormtroopers never saw it coming, one minute they were killing Rebels, the next moment they were being roasted alive by cute little bears.
Ewok history revealed
During one of the many Rebel archaeological studies of ancient Ewok caves that took place after the Battle of Endor, the Rebels found drawings on the cave walls that described every single event in the early history of Ewok society. These caves were, unfortunately for the Rebels, forbidden territory for anyone who wasn't an Ewok. One of the two rebels who managed to evade capture and thus didn't get roasted and eaten by the Ewoks later wrote the book, Ewok History Revealed, in which he described in detail what they found in the caves and how all of his fellow archaeologists got roasted and eaten.
According to the drawings on the cave walls the Ewoks had always been eating anything and anyone they could find on Endor, but, the Ewoks also had friends on Endor, like the Teek. The Teek were very fast creatures and it was very hard to catch one, they also tasted bad. Initially, the archaeologists thought these were the reasons why the Ewoks and the Teek became friends. According to the drawings on the cave walls the Ewoks and Teek became allies two hundred "walls" before the first discovery of Endor by people who were not from Endor. The Teek were used by the Ewoks as scouts, they spied on travelers that visited Endor. Few travelers ever saw a Teek, because as soon as the Teek had seen a traveler they would rush back to the Ewoks who would then capture, roast and eat the travelers. But, before they could study the history of the Ewoks further, the archaeologists heard a weird sound and seconds later they were all captured and roasted alive.
During another expedition to the caves it was discovered that approximately two and a half "walls" before the Teek and Ewoks became allies, Darth Ewok viciously juiced an entire Ewok tribe. The Teek, being said to be the only creatures faster then Darth Ewok, were the only ones on the planet that could defeat him. So, we presume that the alliance was initially formed to prevent Darth Ewok from wiping out the entire Ewok population. But, the archaeologists studying the Ewok caves were discovered by the Ewoks and viciously murdered because non-Ewoks are not allowed to be anywhere near the caves before they could read the rest of the wall.
Behind the scenes
Ewoks have also played a big role in promoting Darthipedia. When Darthipedia was first created, Wicket the Ewok launched a massive campaign across the galaxy in an attempt to get more editors for the Wiki. What Wicket didn't realize was that he, and every one else in the Star Wars Galaxy, are fictional characters that don't really exist and therefore can't edit wikis. Darthipedia then decided to use Wicket's campaign poster in the real world, if this poster has attracted any new editors remains unknown.
And, in case you were wondering and/or were too lazy to look it up on Wookieepedia, the phrase "Manna manna? E s'eesht!!," which is used twice in this article, literally means "Food? Kill!!" in Ewokese.
Ewoks never destroyed any planets, since people could not be roasted alive and eating if they had gotten blown up.
Ewoks are generally believed to be the Star Wars equivalent of Grues.
- Ewok History Revealed
Notes and references
- It is thought that every wall contains one year of Ewok history, but "wall" just sounds more confusing and forces you to read this lame explanation.