- "I'm thirsty. Hey, I'll just use the Force to get a space-beer out of the space-fridge. And now I'll use the Force to make my favourite Nuna-ball team win the cup. And now I'll destroy a planet. Because I'm awesome!"
- ―Darth Secret
Darth Secret, also known as Darth Vader's secret apprentice and later named
Starkiller Jacob Nion Galen Marek (Rhaaarg) was an Ultra-Uber-Badass Sith who was trained as Darth Vader's secret apprentice. He was also really awesome and kewl with a capital "K". He could totally use the Force to push Star Destroyers about the place without breaking a sweat. Yeah, he could totally whup Palpatine's prune ass. Blindfolded. And he could beat Kyle Katarn at arm-wrestling…
...Nah, that's going too far. Occasionally, the apprentice had strange cravings for Alaskan Burritos and another look at Aayla Secura. Darth Secret feared only God and the Energizer Bunny and he claimed that he had some of God's powers, including the power to destroy your planet just by thinking about it. Darth Secret had tried to practice this without much progress. He was an avid fan of the Boston Red Sox, whom he claims inspired his uber-powerful lightsaber creation dubbed "killer". Additionally, Darth Secret "secretly" enjoys raisin muffins.
Satan was born on Tatooine like everyone else. In fact, he was born nearly ten years before Luke Skywalker came to Tatooine to live with his uncle Owen. When he was 9 years old, Satan was recruited for the Imperial training camp on Eriadu. This was mostly due to a bored stormtrooper marveling at his accurate pot-shots at filthy Jawas and crusty old hermits. When Lord Vader was sent to Tatooine to investigate, the Sith Lord realized that Satan was in fact Force sensitive and instantly wanted to keep the boy for himself. For Vader to keep his little secret, he sent the boy to Eriadu to become a regular stormtrooper.
Force training and hobbies
After a while, Darth Vader renamed the boy Darth Secret, pulled him out of stormtrooper school, and hired a private tutor to teach him the mysteries of the Force, as well as fine Gungan cuisine and how to host a dinner party for a Grand Moff. Darth Secret became isolated from other people during this training, what with him being kept a SECRET and all. He trained a lot with his chirpy holodroid PROXY. However, one day he did all his chores, so Darth Vader let him go drinking with his old stormtrooper bros and hos. While crushing mailboxes with the incredible power of his mind (on a dare), he found a Victoria's Secret catalogue. He started collecting them, and developed an obsession with chicks in skimpy black leather outfits. Darth Vader found out, and was going to punish him, but then remembered that he'd once had an obsession with chicks in skimpy black leather outfits, so he let it slide. Vader set him up on a blind date with a stormtrooper groupie (nice girl-next-door, maybe not a Mara Jade, but easily a 7 or 8 out of 10), but Darth Secret had developed an unrealistic obsession with pencil-thin supermodels, so he stood her up on their second date.
This made Vader cry.
Jed-ai, Sus-hai, and Sexy-taime
When Vader had a chat about this with Darth Secret, Secret revealed that he'd been having Force Visions about scoring with one, several, or possibly all of the Victoria's Secret models in the galaxy. At this point, Vader smacked him on the back of the head, told him to stop using the Force for immature and frivolous things, like lingerie model fantasies, and start using the Force for responsible and grown-up things, like killing Jedi. Darth Secret became very successful at this job, and killed a lot of Jedi scum. Vader took the credit for these kills while sucking up to his boss,
Mr. Sparkles Mr. Wrinkles. But Darth Secret didn't really mind. In his spare time, he also ran a small high-class sushi place on Coruscant, serving mainly Gungans, plus whatever else he caught when Vader and him went on super-secret fishing trips on Naboo. However, Darth Secret's love life was not so successful. He never, ever scored with a queen like his master. I mean, even scruffy nerf-herders managed to pickup a princess here and there. And what royalty did Darth Secret score with? Zippo. For someone with money, power, and lots of fast landspeeders, that was a pretty poor effort overall.
Darth Vader had taught him the true Sith code: "In this Empire, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women" Darth Secret got a 9/10 in money for running a small business, a 8/10 for Force mastery, but only a 3/10 for women. This gave him a Sith-o-meter score of 20/30: Good, but not great.
(Editor's note: the score was subsequently revised upwards to 30/30 when Darth Secret found out who invented the Sith-o-meter, and destroyed their planet.)
It's no secret that Darth Secret was an Ultra-Uber-Badass Sith, even though he never did anything cool enough to be mentioned in the movies, or any of the random comic books, fan movies, other books, etc. During his time as an Ultra-Uber-Badass Sith, Darth Secret was on a training mission with Vader, when the two got into a fight over their iTunes account fucking up. Vader won the fight, and Darth Secret was so upset that he exiled himself to Endor. There, he lived with the Ewoks for a few years and eventually went on to better (and therefore, eviler) things.
Fighting with Revan
Darth Secret quickly (well actually not so quickly) realized that no mater how powerful you are, it was always hard to kill someone. Especially someone who was cool. During his self-exile on Endor, Darth Secret "met" Darth Revan. This was in fact a marijuana-induced illusion to Lord Secret. Those Ewoks were constantly brewing some kind of weird shit up. Secret and Revan soon became friends, but argued most of the time. Secret was a huge Ewok lover, as he was obsessed with creatures after living with them for a few years. Revan, on the other hand, thought that Ewoks were fat, smelly pieces of shit, and preferred tauntauns, also smelly. Hey, being cool doesn't always come with a brain. The two Sith Lords got into an extra-cool and long lightsaber fight, and Darth Secret injured his hamstring, forcing Secret to flee the planet. His fight with Revan made Darth Secret rethink his own ways, and so he went on a quest of coolness. Darth Secret wanted to make fanboys and girls drool.
Yo Darth Secret, I'm really happy for you, since you're the coolest Sith apprentice, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time!. Of all time!
The goody-goody years began when Darth Secret had lunch with Luke at a birthday party for Mando Calrissian. Darth Secret confessed to Luke his love of raisin muffins, hot oatmeal, and Alaskan Burritos. The Sith Lord became extremely emotional and whiny according to Luke, (who is not to be trusted as he is also whiny) who then sobbed and cried and sobbed upon hearing this from an evil Sith. Well anyway, Darth Secret went all soft and did things like take from the rich and give to the poor and all that jazz. Nothing important happened.
Obsession with God
- "Is God gonna have to choke a bitch?"
- ―God to Darth Secret
Darth Secret was obsessed with becoming as powerful as God. From the time he was voted "most likely to become God after God retires" in Imperial school, Darth Secret wanted to wield the almighty powers of awesomeness. He went to kill God and claim his title. But it was not to be. God PWNED Darth Secret so fast, Secret didn't even get to do anything. Darth Secret was furious of his defeat at the hands of God, so he went back to Endor and went on an Ewok killing spree. God was equally furious at this, so he banished Darth Secret to a hole in the space-time continuum. Darth Secret escaped the hole by asking Kreia to help him get out. Needless to say, she did help him. Darth Secret then stole a few pairs of God's pants, thus allowing him to carry rocket launchers with no discomfort. He used the pants as a secret weapon against God, resulting in a bloody, fricassee, gore-spewing battle. Darth Secret killed God and became the all-powerful master who wields the awesome powers of coolness. However, his reign as God of the universe was short lived. Unfortunately for Darth Secret; God is immortal, and when Kyle re-inKatarnated himself, he was also angry. God banished Darth Secret to the underworld. God realized he had made a mistake by ignoring the twice banishing rule which states that anyone who is banished twice by the same person becomes as powerful as the person who banished them. Lame, huh? God had then made Darth Secret as powerful as himself. After his banishment to the underworld, Darth Secret changed his name back to Satan.
The acts of evilness
During his first year in the underworld, Satan established the Acts of Evilness. These acts were meant to prevent un-evil beings (in other words, good beings) from entering the underworld. These acts also involve the killing of innocent Ewoks, viewing Yoda's penis and eating Alaskan Burritos. Many evil fools have died during these tests of badness.
Darth Secret will never die. Anyone who says he does is welcome to have a boot shoved up their ass so far, they'll need surgery to remove it from their skull.
Secret had several assassination attempts on his life. He was quite likely, maybe, sort-of one of the only people to escape assassination from HK-47. Once when he was a little boy on Tatooine, Satan was visited by the Energizer Bunny. The bunny said that he would soon die. This made sure that Darth Secret would fear Bunnies for the rest of his life. Five days after the Bunny incident, Combo-Patty-Machine (an evil assassin who ground his victims into burgers) came to kill Darth Secret. Darth Secret said no, whiningly, and was able to escape.
Behind the scenes
Darth Secret was portrayed by Charles Manson.
Oh yeah, Darth Secret went on that game and pwned everyone who got in his way. All the girls wanted to do him so bad that the thought of him caused them to finger themselves, take that Bieber! Too bad his light saber was on energy-saver because noone lost an arm, or a leg, or a (ahem) vital reproductive organ,
Darth Secret was actually a scrawny punk kid, though don't tell him I said that. He might scowl moodily at me.