Darth Malak

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Lord Malak, or "Smiley" as he was known to his friends.
Darth Malak
Biographical information

4000-something ABR

Physical description


Hair color

what hair?

Chronological and political information

Very Old Republic

Known masters


Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Darth Malak.
"You are here to defeat me, Revan? First you must listen to my long monologue about the power of the Dark Side, including unsubtle mocking comments about your failure to have kept it..."
―Darth Malak

Darth Malak was a guy who became a Sith Lord on the advice of his high school guidance counselor. He was best friends with Revan, despite the fact that Revan liked to beat him up. He was secretly jealous of Revan, who was really cool, while Malak was picked on at Jedi training school. He was supposedly killed by Revan after stealing his girl, but in reality he was done in when HK-47 knocked off a brilliant quote in his face, Malak realizing that he would never quote as well as hachkay (as well as the revelation that Revan never liked his spinach puffs) drove Malak to kill himself. He lost his jaw after eating a very hot bowl of oatmeal. He vowed never to eat oatmeal again.


"Okay, Sith army, pick yourself up and sally fawwwwgh..." [reattaches jaw] "Sally fauuwwwwgh..." [reattaches jaw, sighs] "Sally forth."
―Darth Malak, leading his troops

Darth Vader was so jealous that Darth Malak got his cool Jaw replacement, he decided to pour oatmeal all over his body, making him have to wear a solid suit over Malak's wimpy metal jaw. Malak was later seen crying that Vader stole the only thing that made him cool and had to go on the Jerry Springer Show.