Darth Darth Binks
- "Mesa teachin' you muy-muy bombad powah of da Sithies!"
- ―Darth Darth Binks
- "All yousa peoples guna DIE!"
- ―Darth Darth Binks
- "Dissen gonna be messy..."
- ―Darth Darth Binks
Darth Darth Binks (also known as Darth Binks, Darth B, Darth Darth, Double-D, and Bink-Binks) was an omnipissant Gungan Sith Mega-Super-Overlord during the Old Republic. A brilliant tactician, orator, and juggler, Lord Binks was in control of the galaxy for many years with the help of Darth Elmo and Sesame Street. He created his own Sith Empire and owned a string of men's semi-succesfull department stores on Naboo.
He was the developer and preeminent user of the lightsaber form Jar'Jar'Kai.
Binks was born Jar Jar Binks on Nabooboo to George and Hortense Binks, both of whom committed ritual Gungan suicide (or "seppoodoo") upon first seeing their newborn son, younger twin of Darth Plagueis. Darth Plagueis, already able to think at the age of 3 seconds (so much so that he named himself a Darth name), left Binks to die, something he would very much regret doing later in his life. The orphaned child was left in the swamp on Nabooboo where Plagueis hoped he would die, but he forgot that Binks was a Gungan and that most gungans lived in swamps. Thus Binks lived for almost two decades until he was run over by a Trade Federation JI-AT Jimmie Walker. Close to death, he had a vision of an angel from the moons of Iego who had been sent by God to tell him to follow the path of the "Dark Side". After the vision, Binks decided to stop smoking Death sticks and stick with Weed. Intrigued by the so called "Dark Side", Binks picked up a Dark Side pamphlet at the Dark Side Recruitment Center (also known as Dark Side Rec Center) and found the Dark Side interesting and wanted to join.
Binks of the Sith
- "Mesa gonna maka yous mesa bitch!"
- ―Darth Darth Binks
Binks discovered that there were different Dark Sides. Mainly the Sith and the Dark Jedi. Binks did his research on the holo-net and thanks to a dependable database he found out that Sith were cooler than Dark Jedi because the Sith got cool titles like "Darth" and "Dark Lord of the Sith". Plus, Sith get to blow up planets. Binks weighed the pros and cons of the Sith and Dark Jedi and ended up going with the Sith. Binks traveled around the Galaxy in search of a Sith (or "Sithies" as Binks pronounced it) master. During this time, Binks caused enough destruction to attract the attention of Count Dookie a 1337-haxor who trolled the holo-net under the screen-name "Darth Tyranus" looking for information on the Jedi for his master, Darth Sid Vicious. Dookie
sexually harassed Binks over the next few days through internet chatrooms and emails. This was unknown to Binks as he had put himself in a brief internet exile. It lasted all of six minutes, but in those six minutes, Dookie got impatient, tracked down Binks, kidnapped him, and brought him to his lair. Binks went into a internet-depraved coma whilst in Dookie's lair, but was coaxed out of it with promises of unlimited internet storage and other internet-geek things. Dookie revealed himself as a Sith Lord and told Binks that he would be his new master.
Under the guidance of Dookie, Binks learned Sith abilities like Force lightning, Force tornado, Force scattered precipitation, along with Force evil laughter, the most necessary of the Force powers a Sith needs to learn. Dookie, meanwhile, learned that the path of destruction left by Binks on worlds such as Taris, Kessel, and Tarrgit had not been due to any deep commitment to evil but had more to do with his clumsiness, a fact made abundantly clear when Binks destroyed all of Count Dookie's deactivated lightsaber training droids with some string, Jell-O, and a dead Chicken. This, combined with his accidental shattering of an entire shelf of Dookie's Star Trek collectibles, exhausted Dookie's patience and sealed Binks' fate.
Revenge of the Exile of the Sith
To restrain Binks and prevent catastrophic damage to his lair, Dookie put him in another internet-depraved coma by taking away Binks' computer and password protecting Dookie's internet service. Dookie then abandoned him in the wastes of Tatooine. When asked by his student Baldsajj Ventress why he hadn't simply killed Binks, Dookie explained: "We are villains, my dear. We leave our enemies for dead instead of killing them, so that we may face them again later, the better to show off how evil we are." This confused his apprentice, but she had to go shave her head.
This gave little comfort to Binks, who was soon captured by Sand People. In their custody, Binks was tortured for no apparent reason but was later rescued by a local farm kid with too much time on his hands. While escaping the Sand People's camp, Binks lost control of his ignited Quadruple bladed lightsaber, dropping it on his liberator's spine. Binks was now stuck on a desert planet (the polar opposite of an ideal environment for Gungans), dehydrated, and a wanted criminal for murder. Basically, he was screwed. Luckily he was discovered and saved by Darth Jawa. Jawa was extremely busy with Darth Nerd and the Happy Pony Lovers crisis and asked Binks to watch over Jawa's other apprentice, Darth Elmo and his gang. Binks accepted the request, even though he was a Sith apprentice with limited training.
Dark Lord of the Sith
Due to the current shambled status of the Sith Order at the time, Binks was not only granted the name "Darth", but Dark Lord of the Sith, too. It came with good reason, though, because with Darth Elmo and Sesame Street under his command, the destruction of planets in his name increased greatly and he quickly formed a new Sith Empire. He was then granted the title of Sith Overlord and than Sith Mega-Super-Overlord. He was not to be stopped.
There were threats to his empire, as there was with any empire. The Brotherhood of the Bird, lead by Big Bird, were enemies of the Sith and despised Sesame Street, even though Big Bird had a complicated friendship with Darth Elmo. Luckily, psycho-path, Dick-Smith Deez Nuts, took care of the Brotherhood and Big Bird with the help of Bob Barker. Dick-Smith later helped out Binks by creating Wookiee Goldberg, who gave birth to Darth Animal, who worked for Darth Elmo, who worked for Binks. Unfortunately, Binks never got the chance to force Dick-Smith to join Binks' forces because Darth Elmo, who held a grudge against Dick-Smith for killing Big Bird, confronted Dick-Smith who then committed accidental-suicide.
Another threat to Binks' empire was Darth Elmo. Elmo had the resources to kill Binks and he practically ran Binks' empire for him because Binks was so damn incompetent. At one point Darth Elmo was planning to kill Binks, but then Elmo's insanity got the better of him and he killed himself. Unfortunately, with the death of Elmo, Sesame Street fell apart. Cookie Monster disappeared. Grover got married. Ernie followed in his master's steps and committed suicide. Bert was murdered by Darth Bob. And Dearth Nadir was killed on a suicide bomber run, but it was official considered a KIA by his superiors. Basically, Binks lost his army and his fall guys. His empire collapsed and he fled to Naboo, fearing Darth Jawa's wrath.
Eventually, Darth Darth Binks found the equally
annoying powahful Human-Gungan hybrid Darth Misa-Misa and took her as an apprentice and wife. The two had a son, Darth Naruto, and destroyed many planets together. Following the successful destruction of yet another planet, Binks Found an ancient temple that belonged to Darth Elmo at some point. Binks entered it and was attacked by the Dark Gaurds of Elmo. Darth Darth Binks killed all the Gaurds but became trapped in the temple when Darth Jawa collapsed the entrance. Binks later has a clone who set out to kill Darth Jawa, once and for all. Darth Misa-Miss found her husband in the temple and freed him. Binks then duelled his clone in a quick duel where the clone lost an arm. The clone fled and Binks went to face Darth Jawa. However, Binks got scared to face his foe so he went to hide again. His clone went instead, and failed, as Darth Jawa quickly killed the clone and sold his decapitated head on the black market. Grover bought the head and stuck it on his wall.
Binks did a lot in his exile. At one point he stole some socks from a shop for fun and then killed the cops who were chasing him. He ended up on the News for blowing up a house, so he stopped doing stupid things, so Darth Jawa would not be able to find him. After a while he believed that Darth Jawa must be dead, and Binks slowly grew less puny and afraid.
Binks hid on Naboo for several years with out being punished by Darth Jawa. When Darth Jawa didn't show up, feeling safe, Binks came out of hiding and ran for the open Senate position representing Naboo. Binks was probably going to win, too, until Darth Jawa found out that he fucked up the Sith. Here's what happened:
- "I finally got rid of that nerd, Darth Nerd. Now I can focus on the important things I've been ignoring for the past couple years. I wonder how Binks is doing with my Sith empire? <turns on TV> What's this Republic they're talking about? ... What the fuckling? Where's my Sith Empire? Where's Binks? Wait...what the kriff is he doing? RUNNING FOR SENATE? That traitor! I'll make semi-decent batch of Gungan-juice out of him!"
- ―Darth Jawa on discovering Binks' cluster-fuck up
Darth Jawa traveled to Naboo and hunted down Binks. They engaged in a brief battle where Jawa's Jawa'Kai overpowered Binks' Jar'Jar'Kai. Binks was then killed and made into a semi-decent batch of Gungan juice that was sold on the black market. Binks' opponent, Skinb Raj Raj, another googly-eyes, won the election by two votes, even though Binks was dead.
Behind the scenes
- Darth Darth Binks was portrayed by Al Jolson in the Star Wars films.
- Creator George Lucas has said that the character of Darth Darth Binks is based on his real-life pet dog Indiana, whose comical hijinks have left hundreds, maybe thousands, dead.
- Binks' Gungan patois has been the subject of criticism from organizations like the International Association of Linguistic Hypersensitivity, the Accident-Prone Amphibian Anti-Defamation League, and the Overly Litigious Association that Can't Take a Joke (OLACTAJ). In response to the criticism, Lucas sent each organization custom Hasbro-built action figures depicting their directors in whimsical Star Wars-style costumes. Most recipients reportedly were satisfied by this response, as it meant big bucks on eBay; however, according to a press release, OLACTAJ took it as an insult and demanded compensation for their compensation. The dispute has not yet been resolved.
- In Hungarian, "Darth Darth Binks" is a slang phrase for a particularly smooth-flavored variety of cheese.
- It may sound ridiculous, but this article may have actually inspired Dave Filoni to turn Jar Jar into a "Jedi" with a hood running around on Rodia destroying everything. See Star Wars: The Clone Wars.