About damn time!
|Chronological and political information|
- "I'm dagnasty evil witches!"
- ―Jacen Solo
Jacen Solo was dagnasty evil. But originally, he was a good person until after getting placed in the tickle torture of the Yuuzahn and the Vongets. But people suspected there was severely wrong with him even from a young age when he was "normal", for he used to put insects, animals and all sorts of other "pets"down his pants. He then started singing to a new tune with the Sith becoming the lead singer lord, after being kicked off the jedi order when his incestuous relationship with his sister, Jaina, was discovered. He then took the Witches of Dothmir and placed them in tickle torture until they became his back up singers and laughed at all his jokes. He then made a new song "Incest is Best". He then killed the the loopy old redhead that married Wormie. After this incident, he took to wearing a top hat, suit and cloak, as well as holding a cane with a skull on it. He frequently yelled "Nya!" then ran of to do his dastardly deeds. He then tried to molest his whiny cousin. His sister Jaina Solo said she would NEVER sing with him again after he made her sing low Alto. On top of that he got her pregnant and gave her AIDS. And, before that, he tried to find and eliminate his parents, but his Force skills were too weak to detect them at a distance of more than ten meters. Somewhere between there he renamed himself Darth Coo-Coodus and tried to make the entire galaxy a peaceful happy hippy land after smoking way too much pot. First God Owned him, but bright him back to life so he could get his ass kicked a couple more times. Then he got his ass kicked by Wormie. Then he got his ass kicked by Boba Fett. Then he got his ass kicked by Tenel Ka. Then he got his ass kicked by Mara Jade's Force Ghost. Once Coo-Coodus had nearly been ass-kicked to the point of death, Jaina intervened, fatally stabbing her brother with her Mandalorian Army knife. It was just as well, because his brain had been messed up ever since Vergere, and Tenel Ka had emasculated him. In his final moments, Coo-Coodus became Jacen again and movingly sang "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" (in soprano!) before croaking.
- "I'll NEVER sing with you again!"
- ―Jaina Solo
Romance and Relationships
Jacen Solo had a thing for Yuuzhan Vong. During the Yuuzhan Vong Invasion, he fell in love with Krah'ka K'Raahn the Organ-Eater, a fearsome Yuuzhan Vong warrior. Krah'ka took Jacen to the movies, and bought him chocolates and flowers. Krah'ka serenaded Jacen from his balcony one time, permanently damaging his hearing. One day they were out having coffee together when Jaina spotted them. Being the tattle-tale that she was, she went and told their parents. Naturally, Han spanked his ass raw. He then locked Jacen in his room, and told him that he was sending him to a religious boy's school the next day. After, he smiled and told his wife, "We're such good parents!"
Adventures in Time and Space
Besides becoming a self-proclaimed Sith Lord, Jacen Solo managed to influence the Galaxy in another way. His experiments with flow-walking resulted in innumerable adjustments to the Galactic timeline and other bewildering intrusions into continuity. These include:
- Anakin Skywalker had no father? Jacen.
- Mount Sorrow? Jacen.
- Jaxxon? Jacen.
- Sun King? Jacen.
- Greedo the Younger a competent adult during the Clone Wars? Jacen.
- Even Piell's double-death? Jacen.
- Owen Lars not being Obi-Wan Kenobi's brother? Jacen.
- Luke and Leia being siblings? Jacen.
- Rakata enslaving Humans when the droid on Dantooine says they didn't? Jacen.
- Jaster Mereel not being Boba Fett? Jacen.
- Han not shooting first? Jacen.
- Mon Calamari being discovered during the Galactic Empire when Quarren and Mon Cals were already part of the Galactic community during the Mandalorian Wars? Jacen.
- Tales of the Jedi civilization looking so antiquated while Knights of the Old Republic civilization looks so advanced when there is only a few decades between them? Jacen.
- Basilisk War Droids in the comics looking different than in KOTOR II? Jacen.
- Citizens celebrating on Coruscant after the Battle of Endor when they would not be liberated for several years yet? Jacen.
- Geonosians, not Bevel Lemelisk, creating the Death Star? Jacen.
- The Corellian system having so many inhabitable planets? Jacen.
- Daala being elected Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Alliance? Jacen.
- Female Mon Calamari and Falleen having breasts when they aren't mammalian species? Jacen.