|Count von Dooku|
|Chronological and political information|
Fall of the fangs on yo mama's neck era
- "I vant to suck your bloo... No, wrong movie. Sauron will rule over all... err... Damn! Damn it all to lower Heck and back! Boo! No, that can't be right... The Fart is strong in you young Skywalker. Ah yes."
Count Dooku, also Count Dracula, Count Dookie, Count Duckie, Count Saruman, Count Scaramanga, Count von count, The Man With the Golden Lightsaber or just simply the Count was constantly forgetting which genre he was in. He recalled
fart fun times with Grand Moff Tarkin, before he was even Grand Moff Tarkin, or even a regular Moff. He once was a member of Sesame Street, but betrayed them and sold out their lair for money.
He was most notable for being a Count one of only three members of aristocratic families to be alive at the time. This meant he was an automatic member of the Galactic House of Lords in the Republic. In fact, he was the only member who actually came to any of the General Assemblies, because the other two were just too proper to give a damn.
Well, there was this one other member by the name of Madeline Lee Vader, the mother of Diane Vader, who used to come to the meetings, but Dooku scared her off. Madeline was . Of course, she being the only female in the House, Dooku was apt to hit on her. One time when they were watching Dracula he put his arm around her. Which really was soothing to her stomach after watching a movie on blood, guts, and killing. Needless to say, she left the House immediately.
This abnormality can be attributed to the years of inbreeding generally manifest in aristocratic families, which also gave him, among other things, a curved lightsaber, when he finally became a Sith Lord and the tendency to occasionally believe he was a vampire. Blah. It also resulted in his mental retardation. He graduated 39th in his Jedi Academy class (out of 38).
- "Over fart thousand years, the Sith have been trying to make you farters understand the true ways of the Fart."
"Old man Dooku, that grand old fart, Had trouble telling his balls apart..."
Dookie loved Green Day so much, he named himself after their breakthrough album. He also had an unusual fetish for massive disembodied eyes of fire.
Life as a Dark Lord
Long ago or was it yesterday, Yoda found someone taller than him.
Somehow Yoda was blind enough to not see that he was drunk...
Then Dooku said even Yoda couldn't teach him and built robots to shot guns....
Then he died when he was killed.
What an amazing life, huh?
Like all proper members of High society, by the time Count Dooku discovered the joys of an erection his penis was extremely small and shriveled from years of disuse. Thus when becoming a Sith Lord, he overcompensated by choosing the name Darth Tyrannosaurus. His master Sid (affectionately dubbed Uncle Sid) and several others constantly mispronounced his name as Tyrannus (which stuck, by the way) causing Dooku to become gruff and hostile and exclaim "Eh, what's all this, what, right ho, pip pip, what!?"
Count Dooku was a master in Makashi, which was possibly the gayest form of lightsaber warfare. Makashi was practiced single handed, leaving the other hand free to fondle things and extend its pinky while drinking tea. Dooku liked drinking tea, especially tea flavored with the blood of his enemies. Honey lemon was good too.
Dooku died after challenging Anakin to a manliness contest while both were drunk. The challenges kept getting wilder, until Anakin said Dooku was not man enough to cut of his hand. On successful completion of the task, Dooku boldly stepped up to the plate and challenged Anakin to chop off his head. Anakin did. Which kinda wrapped things up for the night.
Thus saith Revan the Wise.
Life as a White Count
Apart from his relations with the Jedi council, the Sith order, and finally, the business end of Anakin's lightsaber, the old fart had obligations with regards to his status as Count of
Monte Cristo Monte Fisto somewhere or the other. He usually liked to reside in his castle abode, deep underground in a coffin, waking up occasionally to wreak havoc among the peasants. He occasionally held meetings at the Town Hall after which he was kind enough to lop off every attendees head and put them out of any misery they might have had.
Dooku was also required to attend several socialite dinner parties where his vampiric delusions were somewhat of a liability, as he occasionally bit the necks of female guests and sucked their blood. He was eventually cured by forming an alternate obsession with numbers, which though equally irritating, was certainly less fatal.
As a member of the Galactic House of Lords, Dooku was sure to show up for every meeting of the Senate. He did this mainly for the sandwiches, but it later proved useful because his one vote managed to gain full majority in the Upper House and helped him vote Palpatine into power.
- "Sic semper Tyrannus!"
- ―some anti-Dooku rebel, on hearing of Dooku's death
- "It's Tyrannosaurus, goddamit! What ho! Pip-pip! Tally ho!"
- ―Dooku's force ghost, on hearing the above quote
As a count, Dooku had to frequently deal with the threat of public uprising. There were many cults dedicated to the eradication of the aristocracy and every member of the House of Lords (well, except for...you know). There were rumors that Dooku's death was even engineered by one such cult. At any rate, after his death the groups disbanded saying that they had wiped out one third of the population of Lords in the galaxy, and their work was done.