Conan Antonio Motti

From Darthipedia, the Star Wars Humor Wiki, currently editing over 582,970,995 articles
Jump to: navigation, search
Conan Antonio Motti
Biographical information



0 BBY (Death Star blowed up)

Physical description




Hair color


Eye color


Chronological and political information
"This article is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest you read it."
―Conan Antonio Motti, introducing this article

Conan Antonio Motti, born ______ ______ Motti, was the second most important Imperial officer on the Death Star... and also the only one with an American accent. (He was no relation to Conan O'Motti, who impersonated him after the Death Star exploded.)

Motti's entire life was spent bragging about how he had the ultimate power in the universe. When he was three years old, he proclaimed that his speeder-big-wheel that traveled 300 scale km per hour was the ultimate power in the universe. When he was eight years old, playing the Great Jedi Purge Collectible Card Game, he declared that his ultra-rare Kit Fisto card was the ultimate power in the universe.

He joined the Imperial Military after declaring that his father's influence with the top brass was the ultimate power in the universe. He obtained a secret sex tape of Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin and Admiral Natasi Daala licking whip cream off each other, which he declared the ultimate blackmail power in the universe, allowing him to rise within a matter of months to the rank of Admiral. He was posted to the Death Star to help oversee the operation, upgrade the computer system from data tapes to jump drives, and provide dialect coaching services in American accents.

Motti remained annoyed that he'd achieved so much in his short career and yet did not have a first name. This changed when he had a personal encounter with George Lucas, the creator of all things. The conversation went something like this:

Motti: "Who are you?"
Lucas: "I'm George Lucas. I'm the ultimate power in the universe."
Motti: "Um, excuse me. This is the Death Star. This station is the ultimate power in the universe."
Lucas: "No, I am."
Motti: "Are not."
Lucas: "Am too."
Motti: "Are not."
Lucas: "Am too."
Motti: "Are not."
Lucas: "Am too."
Motti: "Okay, Mister All Powerful, if you control everything, then give me a first name. Something strong and virile. The ultimate first name in the universe."
Lucas: "Conan."
Motti: "Well, let's not go overboard. I was thinking maybe Drake."
Lucas: "Conan."
Motti: "Or something American sounding. Hank."
Lucas: "Conan."
Motti: "Tom. Tom Hank. Tom Hanks! Tom Hanks Motti."
Lucas: "Conan... Antonio Motti."
Motti: "I hate you."
Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Conan Antonio Motti.

Motti was in such a bad mood that he took out his frustrations on Darth Vader, who gave him a nasty Force choke and said "I find your lack of faith disturbing." This was to have a profound effect on the newly named Conan Antonio Motti. He declared himself a born-again Christian, proclaiming to everyone he met that, after his confrontation with Vader, "I find my own lack of faith disturbing." Vader would have gotten around to killing him eventually, but Luke Skywalker beat him to it by blowing up the entire Death Star.