|Chewbacca's mother (name unknown)|
Horrible beyond words
|Chronological and political information|
- "Rawwwrr mwwrr wwrmm waawm mrraaaaawwr."
- ―Chewbacca's mother's last words before her disappearance
Chewbacca's mother was a mysterious female Wookiee who disappeared long ago, so long ago that some speculate she never existed in the first place. Chewbacca the Wookiee was a well-known personage in galactic history, and his father Attichitcuk, or "Itchy," embarrassed the world by indulging in holographic masturbation on a Christmas special, but meanwhile, where was Chewbacca's mother in all this? Itchy apparently lived in a household on Kashyyyk along with Chewbacca's long-suffering wife Malla and idiot son Lumpy. Could it be that Chewbacca had no mother? That he was conceived by the midi-chlorians out of some dollop of Itchy's Wookiee love-gunk?
Of course not, that would be silly. The truth is in fact dark and frightening. Whenever the subject of Chewbacca's mother arose, Attichitcuk would grow sullen and quick-tempered, and his gaze would dart furtively to the windows and then back again. Could it be, could it be that Itchy murdered his wife, got away scot-free, and carried on with his extended family as if nothing happened? Yes, Itchy and his wife had been growing distant after the birth of their son. Itchy became more and more obsessed with the holographic women on the HoloNet, while Chewbacca's mother was left to raise her troublesome son all alone. She would nag at her husband, yell, threaten to destroy all the holoprojectors in the house. The two would engage in loud quarrels while Chewbacca stayed blissfully in his upstairs room playing with toy X-wings. Eventually the quarrels grew into physical confrontations. Chewbacca's mother would lash out at Itchy, who refused to retaliate at first, but eventually became so angry that he struck back and left her in a crumpled, hairy heap on the floor, weeping to herself. The couple never slept in the same room again. Two weeks later, Chewbacca's mother arrived home from a shopping trip to find Itchy once again absorbed in his pornography, and something snapped inside her. She grabbed the mind evaporator, threw it violently against the wall, and began stomping on it. In an uncontrollable fury, Itchy hurled her out the window, where she plummeted to her death on one of the thick lower branches of the Kashyyyk forest.
Police discovered the body and were naturally suspicious. Chewbacca's mother was not known to be clumsy or easily distracted on her travels through the treetops. But Itchy was sneaky and managed to construct an alibi blaming a homeless drifter. Young Chewbacca was heartbroken, but as the years and decades passed, his memories of his loving mother began to fade, and he grew into a strong young man. Itchy, in the meantime, only grew older, meaner, and more bitter. His holograms failed to satisfy his ever-more-perverted tastes, and in the dark of night he began to hear strange whispers, as if coming from the next room, or carried on the wind, that sounded suspiciously like his dead wife. He began to sense her presence drifting unseen through the house, like a restless spirit. Shadows in his peripheral vision took on a distorted shape, as if Chewbacca's mother were stalking him.
Then one day years later, long after Malla had moved into the house and Lumpy had been born, friendly merchant Saun Dann visited their home. Saun Dann and Itchy talked a while (Dann was one of Itchy's favorite providers of holo-porn), when suddenly the comlink began beeping. Saun Dann answered and talked back and forth for a few minutes. Itchy asked who had called, and Saun Dann replied, "That was your wife." "But my wife is dead," said Itchy. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?!?!?
Or maybe not. Maybe George Lucas just didn't want two female Wookiees in his silly holiday special, so he just wrote Chewbacca's mother out of continuity. Or maybe she died peacefully in her sleep long before the Battle of Yavin. Chewbacca's mother will always be a mystery.