Bothan Herald:War Confirmed!

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Arsonius T. Xenophasis retroactively reporting on a battle he wasn't there to see...

"The shroud of the dark side has fallen,” says the usually grammatically-challenged Jedi master Yoda, who declined to give his last name. He instead proclaimed that the Clone Wars have begun, but refused to elaborate on what precisely began them. Fortunately for those still reeling from the revelation that the Separatist Crisis has, indeed, escalated into open war, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine has spoken, explaining that the white-armored soldiers recently seen on Coruscant embarking upon wedge-shaped warships are clone soldiers bred in accordance with the new Military Creation Act. No explanation, however, has yet been provided as to how clones, who typically require several years to grow, arrived ready for deployment mere hours after Palpatine's newly acquired emergency powers authorized them into law. Nor, for that matter, has it been satisfactorily explained why Humans are the chosen species for our Grand Army of the Republic. Nor has the allegations that the Jedi were involved in its creation been helpful. Critics suggest that the Grand Army being Human bodes ill for inter-species relations and, moreover, is indicative of latent Humanocentrism. Supporters, including members of the Senate, however, ridicule such implications, asking whether critics feel Hutts would make better soldiers. Naturally, the representatives from Nal Hutta have taken offense at this, and are demanding a formal apology.

Nevertheless, what is to be made of the recently fought battle on the Outer Rim world of Geonosis? According to official reports, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi undertook a journey to Geonosis, where in the performance of his judicial duties hunting the instigators of the attempt on Senator Padme Amidala of Naboo's life, he was apprehended by a conclave of the Separatist leaders purportedly led by former Jedi Master Count Dooku. Apparently, the Count was arranging the alliance of the Trade Federation, Techno Union, and other dissident elements with intent to construct a massive droid army. In the opinion of this publication, having covered the Trade Federation's ephemeral conquest of Naboo, this should pose no threat to the Republic. Battle droids employed by the Trade Federation are ungainly, clumsy, inaccurate, and inefficient soldiers. They are a greater threat to their owners than to the Republic.

Certain questions should also be raised as to how Jedi Kenobi, who showed himself exceptionally proficient in destroying these droids on Naboo, was captured at all. Making matters worse, rather than summoning Republic Judicial Forces, or even the Jedi Order, it appears that Kenobi first summoned his student Jedi Anakin Skywalker and Senator Amidala of Naboo! Already, tabloids have taken this maverick duo and the senator as their idols, and as subjects of lewd speculation. Naboo's diplomatic service denies any special relationship between Amidala and Skywalker, but the Jedi Order remains reticent about elaborating on the exact nature of Jedi master-and-student relationships. Or elaborating on anything about itself, for that matter.

Regardless, it does seem that Jedi Skywalker summoned a strike team of two hundred-and-twelve Jedi to infiltrate Geonosis. There they interrupted the insectoid Geonosians attempting to execute the trio in what the Supreme Chancellor has called "a barbaric, blood-thirsty, and thoroughly wrong" method of public execution involving wild beasts. Representatives of other insectoid species, such as the Verpine, and also the Humanoid Devaronians, have decried this description as "insensitive" and "harmful to the further tolerance of cultural diversity." As for the Jedi strike team, they were met, so say Senate authorities, by uncountable legions of battle droids built in direct violation of the Trade Federation's mandatory demilitarization after its fiasco years ago on Naboo. Outnumbered and outgunned, despite their much vaunted lightsabers, the Jedi were slowly killed until, just in time, Jedi Grand Master Yoda arrived with the newly created Grand Army of the Republic.

It is yet unknown how the Grand Army's arrival went without discovery by so technologically advanced a planet as Geonosis, but nevertheless, surprise was total. In response, the Separatists deployed their own armies, and although swiftly victorious, the Grand Army was not without elements of inexplicably poor performance. The clones' lack of camouflage is perhaps forgivable considering that their opponents were droids, and also that their rapid deployment presumably left no time for localized camouflage. However, their use of parade ground formations to advance in straight lines, rank after rank, does not bode well for future battles. Moreover, in the opinion of this publication, the three million strong Grand Army of the Republic is numerically unfit for the invasion of even a small Biscuit Baron on Malastare, to say nothing of waging a galactic war. The deficiencies of the newly proclaimed Confederacy of Independent Systems' droid armies may not be enough.

The Bothan Herald reporter Karohalva.

"This is The Bothan Herald."
―James Earl Jones