Bothan Herald:Sando Aqua Monster really does exist!
October 27, 2009
BOO - Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, ugly crab creatures and mad beasts - this is an incredible day. Unfortunately we have not yet discovered that Barbara Streisand was raped by Wookiee Goldberg, for that would make it an immeasurably incredible day. We have, however, found a beast more ugly than Kerry Katona, and it genuinely does exist. The Sando Aqua Monster, the stuff of nightmare and folk tale, of terror and of fear, of worry and something that some very strange people fap to, exists. When a man with a beard, a man who would one day have a beard, and a boy who never hit puberty and so never did grow a beard first returned from the depths of a deep, deep lake, with so fantastical a tale we assumed it must have been the effects of a crazy underwater session of taking ecstasy.
But we were wrong.
|I swear, Oprah, I swear it was this big! It was like some sort of cross between a Sauvax and Amy - it was like an incredibly ugly, obese crab! As I stood there, it reared it's ugly head, and I thought it was going to eat me! There's so many things I've not yet done, Oprah, so many things! I've not yet become a Sith Lord and bitch to an old man, nor have I fathered children... And, as I watched it, it squeezed on a pair of fluorescent pink bootees, began whistling and started tap dancing beneath the water to The Star Spangled Banner! I've never been so afraid in my life! I'd just reconciled myself with death when it just... let us go. Pissed me off, really, all that wasted time coming to terms with that big, scary death.|
When the three men emerged from the ground, with the young boy very frightened and shocked so much that he could not speak for some hours, it was assumed that the men had done things to him. Fortunately, this wasn't prohibited by Naboo's laws, and so they weren't arrested. Despite the fact that we do not yet know the truth of whether said terrible things did occur in that enclosed, masculine area beneath the sea, more evidence has come to light.
|What do you mean terrible things? Like I would stoop so low as to do that! I'd make sure to put him on a stool first, so as not to stoop, and the lack of a stool in our submersible must prove to you that I did no such things!|
What was found, however, was no more than a set of bones; what does this prove of young Skywalker's story? That it was a barefaced lie! The beast undoubtedly possessed large genitalia, therefore must be a sexual target for others of it's kind - the fact that it was not permanently engaged in unholy acts proves that it was the only one of it's kind. The bones show that it was dead for over five hundred and thirty years, coincidentally about the same time that Amelia Earhart disappeared in an unrelated diving accident.
|This is quite a stunning find. Finally we have found a beast more ugly than... well, I won't name names, as Bane wishes to remain anonymous.|
This discovery has left many disappointed, as they were hoping that they would find Wicket Wystri Warrick hosting an underwater pajama party.
The Bothan Herald reporter Darth tom.
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