Bothan Herald:Grand Moff thought dead; found alive in attic

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Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, seen here, just moments after being found alive.

October 16, 2009

GALACTIC CITY, CORUSCANT - Today will go down in history as one of the most tragic days for the Empire, as the destruction of the Death Star was carried out at the hands of a terrorist group referring to themselves as the "Rebel Alliance". But as sorrowful as this day has been, things have taken a turn for the better. In an odd twist just hours after the Death Star, a symbol of hope and change for the galaxy, went up in a fiery blaze, Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, presumed to be dead in the destruction, was found alive and well cowering in an attic. While investigators were attempting to determine who was response for the attack, Sheila Tarkin-Pavan, mother of Wilhuff received the call that would normally change a mother's life forever:

I got the call that my poor Willy had been killed in a terrorist attack and I just thought to myself, 'Oh my Gawd, my poor baby!' So, like any natural mother, I had to go through a very strenuous grieving process. But, you know, being the strong woman I am, I pulled myself through it. I was halfway to the adoption agency to get myself a new critter when I realized I forgot my coupon for 25% on this gorgeous leather-trim cardigan. Well I come back home and find half the vodka gone. Next thing I know, I find my baby drunk and flopping around to Dancing Queen in my attic! I felt torn apart. I mean, here I had spent the last five hours getting through my grieving, only to find out it was all for nothing.

Tarkin, aged 64, is only one of three in the Imperial Navy to hide in such a manner, the first of which was Conan Antonio Motti who came out of a closet earlier this year. Tarkin, upon being found, reportedly emerged from the attic, sobbing and begging for reporters not to tell the Emperor of his appearance:

He'll yell at me! CHOKE ME! I-I can't be seen! He'll do terrible things to me!

Current speculation says that Grand Moff Tarkin had ignored numerous warnings that a terrorist threat was underway and had he deployed more fighters, there was a high probability that the Death Star could have been saved, causing the Emperor to grow furious. However, in an interview this afternoon with a visibly shaken Palpatine, this has been proven quite the contrary:

I'm just... I'm just thankful Moffy is alive. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's [begins to cry] such an inspiration to us all. And I'm sorry for whatever I've done to convince him that I would hurt him as punishment. I've decided to grant this special little boy a full retirement and a vacation to a beautiful world, where he'll be able to splash and bathe in the sun. Let us remember this day as... the day we got our Moff back.

However, not all response to the news has been welcomed with open arms. A follow-up interview with Wilhuff Tarkin revealed a possible hoax. When asked why exactly he did hide in the attic, Tarkin replied:

He had said that we did this for a show.

This response has left many puzzled, while conspiracy theorists are quickly jumping to assume that the Death Star's destruction, shockingly, was an inside job, perpetrated by none other than Palpatine himself.

The Bothan Herald reporter supergeeky1.

"This is The Bothan Herald."
―James Earl Jones