Bothan Herald:Breaking Coverage of the Battle over Coruscant!

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Arsonius T. Xenophasis would like to remind audiences that he is reporting... IN SPAAAAAACE!

My readers, it has become increasingly clear that our beloved Republic is doing a damnably silly job at waging this war. Yes, we technically "won" the day here, but what is that when it is only because their leadership is made of ambitious fools whilst ours are simply naive glory-seeking nincompoops? I ask you: what sort of government leaves its capitol open to a full scale offensive by the enemy? Did it never occur to the Supreme Chancellor and the Senate that making enemies endangers the safety of the Republic and thus requires increased security measures? And what sort of foe would be stupid enough to send an entire battle fleet equipped for planetary destruction and, rather than use it in its proper manner, employ it for a kidnapping job best suited for a Special Forces mission? It is only for the stupidity of the latter fact that we can claim the victory, as nothing can possibly cover up a fleet 3,000 ships strong.

The battle, as this reporter has been given to understand, was initiated by the aforementioned arrival of the CIS Fleet under the command of the notorious robot-troll commander General Grievous and the Jedi rogue Count Dooku, with the intent of decapitating our government (if it can be called such) by abducting our Chancellor. Such a scheme would, to my mind, be a cunning plan; or at least it would if done with a smugglers craft and with the deployment of Count Dooku's elite Jedi killers. At the very least such a raid would allow us to arise refreshed in the morning and properly ready to be shocked by the precision of such a strike. But when has anyone in this war shown any grasp of cunning or subtlety? Instead, the noble citizens of our fair city had to endure the disruption of their precious sleep, and preliminary reports show that billions have died from wrecked battleships crashing into buildings. Our hearts especially go out to the inhabitants of Residence block 1138 of Western Coruscant on THX lane, in which 2.4 million members of the Pavan family tragically met their end when Grievous's captured flagship the Invisible Hand rammed the building whilst being piloted by those chiefs of incompetency, Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi. That these damned fools are even allowed to touch a starship is beyond me. Needless to say we can only hope that the murderous duo will be stripped of their Jedi rank and exiled to Nal Hutta or some other hive of scum and villainy.

Ah, but I have digressed: Republic High Command immediately issued a distress call to all warships within Hyper-light distance from Coruscant, having completely failed to provide security measures to counter the threat now appearing in our skies. However, rather than making use of their incredible firepower to cause catastrophic damage upon our capitol, our enemies chose to politely sit back and wait for the apprehension of the Supreme Chancellor before retreating back to their hidden base. The only sector of the city to see any urban combat was the Senate District, which is thankfully uninhabited and there were thus no civilian casualties at this stage of the conflict. While such humaneness on the part of our foes is to be commended, it can only be pointed out that this is a war and that damaging the enemies infrastructure would have been a far better way of spending time than awaiting the arrival of our own forces, and further damages the reputation that they have previously cultivated as ruthless bastards.

Having captured the Chancellor after a quick firefight, the CIS forces withdrew from the planet and reembarked on their transports to return to their vessels. The Jedi Order finally saw fit to do something by manning their own fighter squadrons, and after linking up with the few defense craft still in orbit they launched a counterattack on the retreating enemy, and thus allowed themselves to be lured into a trap and surrounded by enemy fighters which had been hiding behind the enemy dreadnoughts. A massacre ensued, with only a few of the Jedi vessels managing to break out of the cordon and to the safety of their hangers. Perhaps the Jedi should listen to their own code, which theoretically discourages such glory-seeking behavior. It would also seem from this behavior that the Jedi view our pathetically small army of 3 million soldiers as disposable meatbags for the slaughter, with no consideration given to the large amounts of manpower required to run an interstellar war.

Luckily for us, our honorably bumbling enemies refused to jump to hyperspace until a fair fight could be arranged. Lt. Cmdr. Lorth Needa had, in the absence of any designated admiral, managed to form up our fleet in battle formation. The Jedi, meanwhile, refused to take any strategic command responsibilities and contributed little the actual engagement with the exception of a few fighters. Lt. Cmdr. Needa proved up to the task, however, and had no need of their assistance. Whilst using his fleet to cover him, he maneuvered the Star Destroyers Repulsive, Uninspirational and Mount Sorrow's Revenge into striking range of the Invisible Hand, and with the coordinated firepower of all three vessels he successfully disabled the flagships's hyperdrive, shields and weaponry before establishing a clear perimeter for safely boarding the enemy.

Seeing their chance to seize all the glory, however, the Jedi under High General Kenobi and General Skywalker immediately charged the Invisible Hand, and rather than wait for properly equipped boarding vessels they crashed their fighters into the stricken enemy ship and attempted to save the Chancellor by themselves. The clone vessels providing cover for them were all killed by droid fighters whilst trying to protect the Jedi from the consequences of their own stupidity. Did it not occur to the Jedi that charging an enemy vessel without waiting for the rest of the fleet to provide suppressing fire against enemy fighters is irresponsible? Or did they ever consider that they would require vessels with space for more than a fighter's one man seat to escape with the Chancellor if they rescued him? What can I say but that this borders on lunacy?

After engaging numerous droids, however, the two Jedi did in fact find Chancellor Palpatine in the custody of Count Dooku and, after a lightsaber duel in which General Kenobi was thoroughly beaten, General Skywalker defeated Dooku and then brutally executed him. This is truly a tragic day for the Republic, to see its own acting so savagely to such a polite and punctual foe. Our consolation goes out to the Dooku family, who have retired to his homeworld of Serenno to bury his handless and headless corpse.

Despite this apparent triumph, Skywalker and Kenobi were almost immediately captured by Grievous himself and brought to the ships command center. General Grievous, desperate to stave off the incoming Republic soldiers who were just now beginning to overtake his ship, apparently attempted to negotiate a deal with the Chancellor, but upon seeing that our two trigger happy Jedi would not allow it, however, he tried to commit suicide by asphyxiation by hurling himself into space. Being a cyborg it is doubtful that he was able to end his humiliation by such methods and he is as of yet unaccounted for.

It was now that the Jedi showed their true callousness in regards to human life by crash landing Grievous's warship in the middle of Coruscant and murdering some estimated 2.4 million Jax Pavan's in the process. Why did they not signal that the ship was in danger and call for a tractor beam? Why did they not employ their much vaunted Force powers to either hold the ship in orbit or lesson the impact? Do they not believe that "Size matters not", in the words of the grammatically-challenged Master Yoda? We can only hope that these two particular individuals are merely self-proclaimed Jedi, and actually have no powers at all. The Jedi council have yet to comment on the matter, deferring for "...further meditation."

The Bothan Herald reporter Master Gump.

"This is The Bothan Herald."
―James Earl Jones