- "ƒ„©ː Θƒƒ"
- ―The Alaskan Greeting
|Planet of origin|
|Height of average adult||
tall enough for the
enough to fill between the front and back
Alaskans were a sentient species from the ice-ball of Hoth. A race of bigots and racist bastards unlike the galaxy had ever seen, they held an empire that tore the galaxy apart when Humans were but chimps and the Rakata were still sucking there momma's blue milk.
Unfortunately, the mighty empire slowly died out after a dictator by the name of Darth Hile, the only known Alaskan Sith lord, took power and deemed his very own kind martyrs of the universe and performed an act that would destroy his species and send the Alaskans back to fishing and killing visitors to Hoth for the rest of their days.
A large portion of what was left of the Alaskan population was killed off when Darth Lucas's S-Class bomber crashed landed in the Hoth wilderness, while millions detonated or melted due to [ahem] an anatomical deficiency. (See section "Extinction")
Rise and fall of an Alaskan Empire
Once, long ago, there was a place called Hoth. This planet was lush and filled with horned, brown haired creatures known only as Alaskans. They hunted and fished until one day, a piece of metal from space crash landed on an Alaskan Day Care center. Worse yet, it caused an explosion that rocked the planet and threw it into a nasty ice age.
The Alaskans were enraged that these alien creatures would hurt their beautiful planet, and so they learned over the next millennium how to make starfighters. After a thousand years of building up arms, they attacked.
Rumors abound about what happened during the fifty years the Alaskans ruled the galaxy. One legend said that the Wookiees were the result of a nasty night between an Alaskan aristocrat and a drunken Ewok. Another was that the Alaskan empire, under the control of Fascist groups known as the Klondikes, did underhanded dirty deeds with the Communist Rakata, despite their apparent hatred. Still yet, rumors say that the Alaskans only ruled the galaxy because every other race was either too young to come out into the galaxy and play or too busy raiding Tatooine for a quick fix of bantha meat.
By the time the Alaskan Empire was in full bloom, a mad Sith known as Darth Hile came into power as the monarch of all Alaskans. After three years leading these tree hugging idiots, Hile took a vacation with the Rakatan Emperor, where the latter made a deal with the former.
If Hile were to take the Alaskans out of the game, he would be taught force powahs that not even old Palpatine could imagine. Hile disagreed, saying that he was the only Force-sensitive of his kind and that the Rakatans were pansies. On his way back, however, he found that his people were moving away from his fascist agenda. He tried to get their asses in gear by inciting a war between the Rakatans and the Alaskans, but the Alaskans refused, saying that they were now pansy-assed pacifists.
Darth Hile, enraged, destroyed every ship in his own fleet, and drove his people into madness. He sent the survivors back to Hoth with nothing but three thousand bantha kiddie meals, white hair dye, and forty lengths of rope.
The story might as well end there. The Alaskans went rabid until Darth Lucas got sick of them and destroyed them.
- "I hear a noise..."
- ―All Alaskans moments before death
Although not extinct at the moment, Alaskans are still at risk due to their unique physiology. Since they do not have [ahem] certain practical masculine tools, their bladder explodes if it becomes too full, killing the Alaskans in possession of them. This was another curse left as a legacy of Darth Hile. He made every Alaskan prone to a disease called the "Head bomb". Essentially, since no Alaskans are circumcised, Within the first twenty years of their lives, it is most likely that their penis will explode.
Feeling pity for these pathetic creatures, Darth Lucas crashed his S-Class bomber into Hoth, killing all inhabitants. But they are still out there. Watching. Waiting.
Will the Alaskans come back and take over the galaxy?
Nah. They are a bunch of idiots. I mean, who lights a fire on ice? Only stupid, idiotic Alaskans.
For a fascist empire turned cannibal, the people of Alaska had surprisingly awesome food. While their main diet is Alaskan Burritos, they also consume ice cream, ice cream trucks, wampa arms, mandolins, bugs, probe droid parts, groundhogs, and Yellow Snow. However, Alaskans tend to avoid products with too much water most of the time, such as Yellow Snow, ice cream, and ice, due to the fact of their bladders have limited storage and, well, explode, thus killing themselves.